When I started renting my little shop front, I never could have thought that it would be able to support me and my son: but it turns out everyone needs flowers. A bouquet to say sorry. A bouquet to say I love you. A bouquet to throw to your bridesmaids. In a way, I get to be a small part of all those things, I get to see the smiles my flowers give to people and it makes each second of pain worth it.

That little shop was the reason I was out at all the night I bumped into Liam. A regular customer had been flirting for a while but he was not my type, seemed quite full of himself really, but after a few weeks of him coming in to ask about me and flowers, he asked me out again. Lyndsey said I had to go. That five years is enough time to be single and even if this man wasn’t my forever, I needed to get back on the horse. So I ignored his massive ego and I ignored the red flag of him wanting to go to a club for our date. What I couldn’t ignore though was twenty minutes after we got inside the club, he was making out with some girl outside the bathrooms.

I should have left but something in me wanted to stay, to show him I didn’t care. Then lo and behold Finn Jonas makes his way over and everything spiralled from there. If I had just gone home, who knows where I would be now.

It’s no use to think about what I could have done. Instead I think about what I can do moving forward: I could terminate. It would be easier on my body, better for my routine. But the thought of it flits out of my mind as quickly as it entered. A woman has all rights over her own body, and despite the hardships ahead – I don’t think I can make that decision.

Jack will be an amazing big brother. But if I really do this, I have to be ready to go back to the beginning. Midnight feeds, no matter how much pain I’m in. Every nappy change, no matter how big and smelly it might be. Constant crying; not just from the baby but from me too.

Having a baby is overwhelming, but from somewhere deep inside me, especially remembering holding Jack for the first time… I want to do this. Having a big family has been a dream since long before my diagnosis and I have already let it take so much from my life, I won’t let it take this too.

I touch my stomach gently as I retrace the missed calls history in my phone log.

“Hi Liam, it’s me,” I whisper.