Now, here I am breaking some guy’s nose just because he is a dirty player. I have played against worse with way less reaction but tonight I let everyone I care about down. The first thing on my to-do list when I do get home is to tell Jack that violence shouldn’t be the answer, the kid looks up to me and the team like idols since we came into his life, what kind of legacy am I creating for him and Charlotte?

My few minutes are over quickly and I am allowed back on the ice but by now it is already two nil to Carolina and I know my stupid playing is part of the reason why. I am going to play good clean hockey and make my family proud.

That lasts less than two minutes.

Edge gets the puck off the baby-faced Carolinian and shoots it to me, I am open and free and yet my arms are not quick enough. My skates feel like sandbags holding me back as the puck sails past. It was an easy puck, no blocking players, nobody pulling me back and I missed it.

I miss it completely, losing us our first chance at a goal. Edge looks like I pissed in his cereal and I don’t blame him, Anders just looks confused as Carolina manage to make it three nil by the end of the first period.

The minute I am off the ice for a break I know I am staying off it. I was given one chance to show my coach I could get myself in check and I didn’t. Coach Mitch barely even looks at me before he shakes his head and juts his chin towards the bench as he turns to Michelson.

The guys are giving me a wide birth, all scared I will go to attack mode with them but I don’t even have that fight in me. Micah keeps glancing at me, I’m happy for the guy. Well, not quite happy, but I remember my first rookie game in New York when I wasn’t really a part of the team yet: the same way he is now. Just on the outskirts waiting for your chance, but knowing someone is going to get traded or retire for that to happen.

Plus, it’s my own fault. Coach told me to get my head in the game but it’s my heart that isn’t in it right now. My heart is at home, and I have to be across the country knowing I could miss a million things over the three days before I get home.

My priorities just don’t include hockey as high as it used to. I have been a professional hockey player for a damn decade and have played for three teams that I have loved. I’ve done it all. Won cups and medals and admiration.