I tried to do some stock ordering for Bloom and Blossom and when Lyndsey found out she told on me to Liam. When I argued that the doctors said I had to stay in bed, not that I had to stop living, I was told to “enjoy my time off and relax”. I tried to throw a pillow at his head but he caught it, fluffed it, then put it behind me.

Exhausting. Kind and thoughtful and oh so loving, but fuck, I just want to go for a walk or take Jack to school. I’m not asking to run a marathon.

Part of the problem is how beautiful everything is, because I can almost imagine having this forever. A beautiful house with a chef preparing meals for us because Liam didn’t want to poison us with his lack of kitchen skills. She made me crumpets from scratch for Christ’s sake, and they are incredible and they weren’t burnt on one side like they are when I make them in my toaster.

It is so easy to imagine this as my life. Liam wants this to be our life. I’m okay with that, well most of it. I want to cook my own meals and to be allowed out of bed whenever I want and in my heart I know he isn’t going to change his mind and leave us like Jack’s dad did, but a little part of my brain can’t seem to agree. We still haven’t spoken about the last time we had sex. We just keep tiptoeing around it.

I know he said he wouldn’t have sex with me until I was ready to be together, and I thought I was. The way he looked after me after our run-in with Michael, the way he has handled the press asking questions so I can keep my privacy. He is a great man and a great partner. But I am still scared. I don’t know why I can’t trust him when he tells me he is in. I wish I could pinpoint exactly what he could do to prove his devotion but I can’t. It isn’t him it’s me – as cliché as that sounds. I need to trust myself enough to let him in. I want to commit to him, but whenever I feel ready to say the words, a little voice in my head stops me. I wish I could prove to him that it did mean something, it does mean something, but the words just don’t seem to come out.

With every little thing Liam has to do for me, that judgmental voice gets louder, tells me I’m a burden to him so it won’t take long for him to get bored. He has put himself on the line by telling me what he wants and all he needs is for me to meet him halfway.