As I put the key into the front door of the florist, I try to ignore how puffy my knuckles look. I am retaining so much water, every joint feels ballooned. I am lucky to have a friend like Lyndsey. Even without asking she has started coming into work early to help me in the mornings. Obviously she will be paid for her time, but I know it isn’t about the cash. She hates me straining myself, she is almost as bad as Liam. Well, maybe not quite as bad.

Lyndsey is worried. She won’t say the words but I see it in her eyes. They linger on me a touch too long when I bend over. She wants to help me and I am willing to let her but I have too much to do to let her take over. This store is everything to me. It was my solace after Michael, it gave me a roof and a purpose to keep pushing post-partum. I fought for this place and it is a constant reminder of how different I am now to the kid I was when I left the UK.

When young me was scared and overwhelmed, she had no systems in place for when things went wrong, but I fought against the need to run back home. It would have been easy and Eleanor would have loved me coming back with my tail between my legs but I needed to prove to myself that I could. Even if the shop failed, I needed to try. And it didn’t fail. It bloomed in front of my eyes.

It is only when I get to the back room that I remember I skipped breakfast again. I need to be more careful about that. It’s been this way for a long time. When my pain is high it becomes almost impossible to eat. Even the thought of eating makes me nauseous. Every day this past week I have felt constantly on the verge of throwing up. Acid reflux is always there at the back of my throat; it’s impossible to keep anything down. Even water seems like too much at times.

I pull a granola bar out from my desk drawer but I don’t bother opening it. I slip down into my desk chair still thinking about the chair in Cassie’s office. Deciding I need one, I fire off a text to her to get one for myself. Maybe if I can find a comfortable enough chair I might be able to suffer through some breakfast. I lean back breathing deep through my nose to quell the sickness and dizziness that swamps my brain.