Cover

Dedication

To anyone with a chronic illness who feels like they are lesser. You deserve that big movie kind of love. Until you are ready to have your own, find it in these pages.

Prologue

Ellis

The door of the dorm clicking behind me should bring relief, but it doesn’t. My muscles revolt at my movements; just a few more steps and I’ll be in my room. I can be alone and suffer through the night until I can force myself to move. With each step my body screams to stop: my bones feel as though they are pushing against my skin, they want out and will do anything to get it. My back feels bruised and raw but there would be nothing to see if I looked in the mirror. All that internal pain and nothing to show for it. When I do make it to my room my feet falter.

“Hey, Sunshine.” My boyfriend is lounging on my bed reading a textbook.

Liam Ruinsky, star offensive player for our university ice hockey team, is shirtless on my bed and I can’t even enjoy it. Just the sight of him relaxing in my space is what pushes me off a cliff. Dropping my bag at my feet I burst into sobs. I’m not a crier. I’m a push-through kind of girl. But it’s too much. I want to cry, to have someone to cry to. And now that’s Liam.

“Whoa! Hey Ellis, what’s wrong? Talk to me.” In a flash he is off my bed pulling my body into his arms. His voice low and caring, I know him well enough to hear the panic there. I wish I could answer him, wish I had the words, but all I have is hiccups and tear-streaked cheeks. Taking my elbows gently in his hands, Liam guides me over to my bed pulling me onto his lap. He doesn’t hold me tightly, too scared. Scared he might hurt me.

It just makes me cry harder. I want him to be able to squeeze me, to hold my broken pieces together, but we both know he can’t. When I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia I thought everything would get better. Delusional, I assumed that when I finally had a diagnosis it would mean I could start treatment and I would be normal. What happened instead was, I’m still in constant pain. Medication can do a lot but it isn’t a magic wand.

Every day I push through pain and fatigue just to try and make my life better. I wanted to make something with my life, but my body is working against me.