a group of girls

I don’t

recognize

and a bee

stings

my

heart

Open

One day the quiet is too

much it’s so noisy

with quiet that I go

into Clara’s room and

open the drawer I open

the diary and there they are again

small pieces of hair

everywhere on every page

stuck and flattened I hear

Nancy Drew’s voice

open it

open it

just

OPEN

it

I sneak a look at

the words

picked hair today

seven times tried hard not to pull

it out couldn’t help it

the next day

tried hard not to pick hair again but

couldn’t stop I pulled three hairs

out today I don’t know why I can’t stop

picking my hair

I can’t stop reading

the words carry me as if I am in

a fast flowing river

I want to

jump up and

scream

to punch through the

thick air of secrets

I want to tell someone

that my sister is not sick that

no one needs to pay attention to

her anymore that she is pulling

her hair out

that we are

the same

that we can all

go back to being normal

that I am an archaeologist who found

the prehistoric eardrum of

an extinct dinosaur and

now everyone can

stop whispering stop

pretending we are not okay

because

we

are

okay

January 6

I will never stop.

Days gone without pulling: 3

I feel so bad for Frances. She just got yelled at for not looking at the audience during her concert. My parents are so MEAN.

During PE a bunch of kids stole my wig.

It’s gone.

I’m so bummed.

What am I going to do?

They said it was a bet that my hair isn’t real.

I didn’t cry.

I wanted to cry.

January 7

Was doing so well and growing back but started picking again.

If I really wanted to quit, I could.

School is stressing me out.

Radmira Greenberg is so smart.

How does she do so well in school without studying?

Why do I always have to study so hard?

Why do my parents want me to get all A’s all the time??

Why do I want to get A’s all the time?

What makes me happy? Pulling.

January 8

I pull my hair. Yes I pull my hair. I want to stop pulling my hair.

Lisa Martinelli keeps asking me why I wear a hat every single day.

Why won’t she leave me alone?

She sits next to me in math class and has the worst breath.

January 9

I hate myself sometimes. I hate my life.

I CAN STOP PULLING MY HAIR. I WANT TO STOP STOP STOP STOP PULLING MY HAIR.

Everyone’s fighting again.

Frances is mad again because she’s jealous of me.

No one pays attention to her because she’s normal, not like me.

January 10

How do I stop? I can’t. There’s no healing just more pulling.

I’ve been pulling for the last 3 hours. I keep telling myself just one more one.