I wait till Leo is engrossed in his new Legend of Zelda game before I return to see Kerry. I park on the street opposite the hospital: it’s the one day of the year when Brighton’s traffic wardens aren’t on the rampage.

The hospital looks benign and safe as I walk towards it. This hospital, where most of the dramas of my life have played out.

Kerry will be pissed off about the video, but perhaps we can spin it to help raise money for the air ambulance or something? Surely what matters after all this time is that we’ve found each other again.

The burning sensation in my stomach is excitement, not fear. Isn’t it?

When I go into her bay, the curtains are drawn.

‘Kerry? Are you decent?’

I picture her naked. Imagine how it’ll feel when we make love again, after so long.

Silence.

‘Kerry?’

I know she’s there, I can hear her breathing. Mine too.

I reach out to move the curtain aside a few centimetres. She looks up at me, her face contorted.

‘Oh God, are you in pain, can I do something, get a nurse?’

‘Yeah. I’m in fucking pain, but you’ve already done enough. Your cute video? It’s going to get me the sack. I bet you never thought of that when you were trying to keep your fans happy.’

‘It wasn’t me, I swear. But why would you get the sack?’

‘Because what I did when I found that girl was reckless and dangerous. Not heroic. Not smart.’

‘But you saved her.’

She scoffs. ‘I’m not even going to waste my breath. Go away or I will call the nurse.’

I step inside the curtain. ‘No, hang on—’

Kerry holds the call button in her good hand. ‘I’ll count to three. One . . .’

‘This can be fixed.’

‘. . . two . . .’

‘Please, Kerry.’

‘Please, Kerry,’ she mimics. ‘No. Not this time, Joel. It might have taken me eighteen years but I have finally realized that you’re poison. Goodbye.’

She presses the button.

At home, I act the part in front of Leo and my parents, playing Zelda till I want to hurl the console through the window, and forcing down my Christmas dinner. Shit, I wish I still drank booze.

The next day, I go to see Ant. If anyone can fix this, it’s him. His mum is over from Spain, and they’re serving Boxing Day brunch in the cafe to people already driven stir-crazy by their families.

‘You can have him for twenty minutes, maximum,’ Ellie says, ‘but only if you take the girls out from under my feet too.’

So we cross the road and go down the steps to the beach, and I pay for Lola and Mia to ride the carousel.