So many things now have the potential to floor me: a patient being unexpectedly kind, a memory sparked by the smell of apple crumble in the canteen. It’s over six months since Mum died, but the emotional ups and downs are still way more dramatic than any I have induced pharmacologically.

‘OK, and bed four and six are stable?’

I nod at Debbie, the doctor who is taking over for the night shift. ‘Yeah, though after the day we’ve had, you might want to keep your fingers crossed at all times.’

Two patients have died today, one expected, one not. The latter was a guy in his fifties whose liver cancer had stripped away everything but his charm. I liked him a lot.

‘You look shattered, Tim.’

I shrug. We don’t show weakness on the ward. My childhood was the perfect training for this.

‘It’s been a long day but it’s nothing a pint won’t fix,’ I tell my colleague, though I rarely drink now because that releases my feelings in an unstoppable tide.

Outside, the darkness welcomes me after the unremitting brightness of the ward lights.

I check my phone and my heart sinks when I see four missed calls from Kerry. It was her last interview today. In her voicemail she sounds downhearted, and I have to steel myself to call her. I want to be supportive, but even in stable times, I am better at practicality than empathy.

And now is not a stable time.

‘Bad shift?’ she asks when she picks up.

‘Ah, same old. Busy. Sorry not to call sooner. How did it go?’ I cross the road, into the estate.

As she tells me about some old fart of a surgeon giving her the third degree about being married, it startles me. I can’t quite believe Kerry is my wife, though it’s one of the things patients and nurses always ask about. Being married seems to make me a little more attractive to the women I encounter.

Guilt makes me flinch. Must try harder.

‘What was his problem?’

‘Kids. He was implying that it’d be a waste of time training me because I’d only run off and have kids.’

I wait for her to scoff but she doesn’t. I’ve always assumed she thought the same way as me, that kids were for other people.

Except I’m not sure about that anymore. My first placement down here was in Paeds. Perhaps it was because Mum had been so sick, but it was a revelation to see how kids bounced back so fast. It was even more surprising to discover I liked spending time with them. That children are people too.

So much has changed since last July. I don’t know if I recognize myself.

Kerry is waiting for me to say something.