I turn back to call across and ask Kerry which she prefers. She’s staring out of the window, frowning, and she looks exactly like that girl who once sat by my hospital bed, day after day, willing me to recover.

Now the images in my head show what our lives could have been like if I’d trusted her, instead of shutting her out, when the club let me go.

She’s not happy with Tim. What if that’s because what we had – what we could still have – is the real thing? If what I thought was lust is something much more important?

‘Give me the most expensive one.’ I only take my eyes off Kerry as he hands me the glass.

I stride back to the table and put the wine down.

‘I love you, Kerry Smith.’

She blinks. I try to read the look in her eyes. Hope soars. She’s going to say it back . . .

‘No you don’t.’ She takes a huge swig of wine. ‘Sit down.’

‘I know how I feel,’ I say. But I sit down, understanding why she doesn’t believe me.

‘Joel, I care about you, a lot. You’re doing your best to be kinder and braver. About time, too. But you hurt me too badly for me ever to love you like I did.’

‘I was an idiot—’

‘Yes. And what you’re feeling right now? It’s nostalgia, and the endorphins from finishing the race. Not love.’

I want to tell her I’ve changed. But have I? Only a few months ago, I hurt Zoë by stringing her along, without caring how vulnerable she was. Even if she’d never got pregnant, or had an abortion, I was always going to hurt her because I always look after number one.

Maybe the part of my brain that died when my heart stopped means I will let people down over and over again.

‘Plus, you’re not the answer, Joel.’

‘The answer to what?’

‘To all my cock-ups.’ Kerry laughs. ‘It’s not just you that’s made a mess of the last four years.’

‘It was my fault you went off on the rebound with Tim. He doesn’t make you happy.’

She raises her eyebrows. ‘And you did? That’s not how I remember it.’

‘Could be that neither Tim nor me are good enough for you.’

A group of people at the next table start laughing in response to a joke. Kerry sighs. ‘Life isn’t a Disney film, Joel. There’s no Prince Charming. Relationships take work.’

‘But they shouldn’t make you miserable, should they?’ My certainty that Tim is wrong for her makes me reckless. ‘And you don’t lie to someone you really love.’

She winces. ‘No? All I’ve ever wanted is to fix things. To make the people I care about happy, by doing the right thing. But I don’t know what the right thing is anymore.’