Chapters (71)
My paranoia was a constant source of conflict between Sean and me. He used to say that I was doing Elspeth no favours by being so overprotective, that she wouldn’t thank me for it in the future.
Well, now there is no future.
The diary is still open in front of me but as I skim through the rest of the page all I can think of is Elspeth. I look again at those words, ‘Near Drowning’, and then I read on as they describe their attempts to prevent further damage to my lungs, about the CT scans carried out without my knowledge but with ‘your husband’s permission’.
I read about the tracheostomy I was given and touch the small scar on my neck where they made the incision before fitting the tube into my windpipe, and I want to scream and shout.
While those doctors and nurses were battling to save my life, Elspeth was lying in a cold morgue. Her life ended by a decision I can’t even remember making.
I can’t read any further. I let the book fall to the floor, the room momentarily erased by my tears.
The B & B is silent now. Light filters through the curtains. The digital clock by the bed reads 5.37. Morning has come. I lie back on the pillow wishing that my brain would be like Elspeth’s dream catcher and clasp my memories in a woven net. But as I close my eyes I see the river. Elspeth paddling in the water, wading out further and further until it reaches her shoulders. She stops and turns to me, her face beaming with happiness.
‘Come back, Elspeth,’ I call. ‘Please, angel, it’s too deep.’
She starts to speak but I can’t make out the words. It sounds like she is underwater though she is right here in front of me.
‘What is it?’ I call. ‘I can’t hear you.’
And then she disappears underneath the water but at the very moment her head submerges I hear her voice whispering in my ear, so close I can feel the warmth of her breath.
‘Go home, Mummy,’ she says. ‘Go home.’
I wake up gasping for air. I climb out of bed and go to the kitchenette for a drink. As I stand by the sink gulping mouthfuls of icy water I run the dream over and over in my head. I think of the flashback I had in the job centre, sitting at my desk and my phone buzzing beside me. Could that be a memory of the day of the accident? I don’t know. But then I hear Elspeth’s words again and it all makes sense. She is right. I can’t expect to recall the events of 12th May by hiding out in this room. If I want to find the answers I need to go home.