Dear Mother

How do I hate you? Let me count the ways.

I thought you’d appreciate the literary reference. After all, you love words, don’t you? That’s what Freya told me. She said that you were never without a book. Oh yes, how happy you must have been, lost in your dream world, surrounded by your precious books while your little girl was sent away, scared and confused.

I’ve been sent to a new place now. It’s much the same as the other one though I have changed. I’m tougher now. I can handle myself. If one of the other kids tries to give me trouble I can see them off. Zoe taught me that. She taught me a lot of things, such as not to trust parents. They just mess with your head, she told me, and she was right. You have messed with my head, Mother, to the point where I thought I was going mad but I’m not the mad one. I know that now.

Before I left the other place, Freya came to see me. She sat me down and told me what I had always known, deep in my gut, that you were not coming to find me; that you never would. She said that my father had gone somewhere far away for work reasons and also because he needed to clear his head and start afresh. I asked her again if she had given you my letters and she said she had, she promised she had. Your mother is a very complicated person, she told me, she is troubled and troubled people can think only of themselves. Some people aren’t meant to be mothers, she said, some people can only cause hurt.

At that point I thought she was being harsh. Yes, you hadn’t replied to my letters but that didn’t mean you were a bad person. I said to Freya that maybe you needed more time; maybe you weren’t completely better yet. I told her that you were my mother and that you must love me, you had to love me. Mothers don’t just send their children away like that and never come back.

Freya listened to me going on like this for about ten minutes and then she shouted ‘Enough!’ in this really angry voice. I’d never heard her like that before. Her face was all red and her eyes were bulging. I sat back in the chair and waited for her to calm down. It took a couple of minutes then she took a deep breath, turned to me and told me something so horrifying I almost passed out.

She told me about you, Mother; about what you did that night by the river. I tried to take it in but it was just too much and I started to scream. Freya tried to hug me but I pushed her away. I didn’t want anyone to touch me. In the end the people from the new place intervened and told Freya to leave. I went and sat on my bed. For a second I thought about doing what Zoe did. About ending it all. But then I thought that would make it too easy for you. So, instead, I’m going to make sure I become a success. I’m going to work so hard that nothing and no one can ever hurt me again. I’m stepping out of the darkness into the light. You were my darkness, Mother; I know that now. It’s time I left you behind.

So, there it is: my final letter. I hope the life you have led since that night has been worth it. I hope that you dream about me every night. I hope that you never find peace as long as you live.