Dear Mummy,

Here are some psychological terms for you:

– Mentally unstable

– Lack of emotion

– Obsessive

– Delusional

– Socially awkward

– Prone to violent outbursts

– Inability to form friendships with others

The school counsellor has referred me to a child psychologist and this is how she described me in her notes. She is so stupid she didn’t know that I could read what she was writing on her crummy notebook even if it was upside down.

So because some girl, who had bullied me for months, finally got what she deserved I get psychologically assessed. Me! I’m the victim here. I told the psychologist this but she wouldn’t listen. She kept on going on about my anger issues and said that I needed to let go of the idea of you and Daddy coming back for me, that it wasn’t going to happen.

Well that was it. I didn’t care what she said about my mental state or any of the things that I listed above, but to say that I had to let you go! My parents! The two people that are supposed to love me more than anything in the world? Is she totally stupid? If I’m incapable of feeling emotion then how come I love you and Daddy so much it hurts? And what about Zoe? I loved her like a sister. She was the only one who knew what it felt like to be abandoned.

But I didn’t bring Zoe into the conversation and neither did the psychologist. She was too busy going on and on about you and Daddy and how I needed to let go of the ‘idea’ of you.

I told her that she didn’t understand the concept of ideas and then I told her about Charles at the museum and the picture of the woman with no legs. I told her about my specimen jars and how science is stepping out of the darkness into the light. I told her how Charles had told me that ideas are there to be made manifest so in that case my ‘idea’ of you and Daddy had every chance of becoming a reality.

But she didn’t listen. She just sighed and shook her head. Then she wrote something down in her book but I wasn’t finished.

I told her there was no way I was giving up on you and Daddy, that you were both just sorting your lives out and then you’d be coming back for me. And then, you know what she did? She shook her head and said, ‘You have to stop this fantasy now. You have to start living in the real world. It’s not doing you any good to be telling yourself something is going to happen when it isn’t. Your parents are not coming back for you. You have to accept that.’

And then she smiled. She bloody smiled – sorry for the swear word Mummy but as you’ll understand sometimes it’s the only way – with her jagged yellow teeth. And that was it. I jumped out of my chair, grabbed her grubby little notebook and ripped it to pieces. That list she’d written had already been committed to memory. Did I tell you I have perfect recall?

Anyway she got all fussed and pressed some button then they all came running, the people who work at the clinic. There were two women and a man. They ran towards me, put me on the floor and held my arms. I don’t know why they had to be so dramatic. It’s not like I was going to kill the stupid cow. I just didn’t like what she said to me and I didn’t like her smile.

I don’t know why I’m putting all this in a letter to you. It’s not like you’re going to write back is it?

I told that woman that I believed in you and that I loved you because I didn’t want to prove her right. I wanted her to think that I was strong. But you know what? As time goes on I’m starting to wish that it was you who died instead of Zoe. She was more like a mother to me than you’ve ever been. She looked after me, made sure I ate properly. She was a real live person in my life who cared; not an idea, not a fantasy. But I’m beginning to realize that’s what happens when you love someone. They leave you.