Hmm. I know what anyone reading this would conclude, I thought as I compared our weeks. Here is a couple who don’t spend a lot of time together. Exactly. We don’t. We co-exist. Not that we don’t spend some evenings with each other, of course we do. That’s when we watch box sets or whatever’s new on Netflix. We’d worked our way through The West Wing, The Wire, The Sopranos, Orange Is the New Black, Boardwalk Empire, Mad Men and many more. We were polite to each other, kind even, but we don’t talk much beyond everyday necessities, not any more, not to each other. Who needs to talk when there’s a new series of House of Cards to watch? Our arrangement had worked, but lately I’d been wondering: was it enough?

I’m having an existential crisis, I thought. My friends, Debs and Lorna would say: Not again, Cait. You had one of those last year, and the year before, but this is different because of a few major things that have happened.

My mum died a year ago.

My oldest and best friend, Eve, died eight months ago.

Lorna’s husband, Alistair, died last year, a few weeks before Eve.

My youngest son, Jed, moved to Thailand.

My eldest son, Sam, moved to LA with his wife and my grandchildren.

All of this has made me very sad and has reminded me that no one knows what’s round the next corner, so I’ve taken the ‘seize the day’ attitude. I’ve been trying to make the most of life by filling my days with things to do, people to see, places to go. If I keep busy, busy, busy, I don’t have to think about loss and I can get by. However, the recent events have made me question many aspects of my life and my relationship.

Is this it?

Should I accept that my marriage has gone stale and carry on as we are?

What could change things?

Do I want to change things?

How would I change things?

Should I get some Wonderbrow paste to dye my grey eyebrows?

As I said, all existential stuff.

With those happy thoughts, I made tea and wondered again what Matt had to tell me. I mentally made a list of possibilities.

• • An affair?
• • He was ill?
• • Someone had died?