‘And how do you feel about them?’

‘Confused, like I’m having a nervous breakdown.’

‘Sometimes that can be good, break down to break through.’

‘What if I choose the wrong man?’

‘Trust your heart and his heart. Remember, there are two of you in this. He will want to be with you as much as you want to be with him, this feeling will be strong in him.’

‘But all three say that they do, that’s what’s confusing.’ I thought of Michael and the heat of passion when I’d last seen him and turned him down. I thought of Stuart and the feelings I’d had for so many years. I thought of Jon and the spark between us. ‘Feels like muddy water to me.’

‘Then be still, Bea, only then will the water become clear.’

‘You’re saying do nothing?’

‘Sometimes that is exactly right.’

‘Saranya Ji, you’re not being very helpful.’

‘I cannot tell you who to choose; only you can know what is in your heart. Be still and you will find that the answer you seek is already inside of you.’

‘And how do I attain this stillness?’

‘Meditation, learn to be a human being instead of a human doing. We all are so busy busy, doing this, doing that, and so often don’t take time just to be.’

‘To stand and stare.’

‘If that’s how you like to say it. Go beyond the thoughts that come and go, the worries and anxieties, and find the stillness that is within you. Trust that what is deep inside of you will become clear.’

When we’d finished our call, I sat quietly and just breathed. I thought of Stuart. I thought of Michael. I thought of Jon. Stuart. Michael. Jon. Stuart. Michael. Jon. I breathed again. I imagined myself with one and then the other and then the other: on the Heath, on holiday, in bed, in the supermarket, with one, then the other then the other. Stuart Michael Jon, Stuart Michael Jon. I could make their names into a mantra in the way I’d been taught in meditation classes, where you say a word over and over until it becomes a vibration of sound, usually Om, which becomes ommmmmmmmm. Stuart Michael Jon, Stuartmichaeljon, stmjnnnnnnnnn.

53

I think I might have blown it with Bea. What do I have to do to make her realize that I am serious and sincere about her? Have I scared her off? It’s hard to tell. She’s unreadable: one minute she’s warm and responsive and I know that she feels the same way as I do; another she’s closed down and I have no idea what she’s thinking or even if she’s already involved with someone else. And even if she wasn’t, would she be prepared to take on someone like me?