The nights he didn’t come home grew more and more frequent. In between, Joe was full of resolutions and good intentions. He would get on a detox program, life would return to normal and we’d get on again for a while. Then something would happen and, again, he’d fall. My friends grew concerned for me. It was clear Joe was an addict but I kept hoping that he’d change. Marcia suggested Al-Anon for me and I attended meetings for the best part of a year. Heather bought me a copy of Women Who Love Too Much and I began to question what my part in it all was. Was I enabling him? What was I getting out of it? Why did I stay? After a series of blow-up rows over the summer, I decided I’d had enough. I didn’t like who I was any more and I’d lost respect for Joe. I also realized that the reason I’d stayed too long was because I needed to be needed; I had an important role as the one who was there to care for him on the morning afters when he repented and regretted his behaviour of the night before. As long as I had him to worry about, I didn’t need to think about myself and my shortcomings or needs.

One night Joe didn’t come home, and when he did eventually return the next day, I finally faced the fact that I’d lost him. He hadn’t left me physically as Michael had done, but I’d lost him to his addiction. There was no more denying it, and I left to move back in with Heather.

*

I felt sad about bumping into Joe. It was a reminder of a turbulent time in my life, but also a time when I was just starting out, so full of ambition and energy. Would we have made it if I’d stayed, ridden the rollercoaster with him? I wondered, as Heather and I picked up our purchases. Might he have changed? And the sweet, vulnerable Joe have won through?

‘No, he wasn’t the one, isn’t the one,’ said Heather, picking up on my thoughts. ‘You’ve been there, done that, got the T-shirt.’

‘Noted,’ I said.

19

The following weeks went by in a haze of activity as Heather and I went into top gear. I got three estate agents over, got quotes, and put my house on the market. They all said it would be an easy sale and at first I thought, they all say that, even when a house is a hovel but, sure enough, once I’d chosen my agent, potential buyers seemed to be inquiring about it, even before it went live on the Internet.