I spent time looking at pages and pages that blurred as I moved through them; some I printed out then cross-referenced links and names. The bottle of wine went down until I realized it was empty.

OK, I’ve drunk too much wine, I thought as I looked at my watch and saw that it was 3 a.m. I was exhausted. I gathered up my pages, stacked them in a pile and went up to bed, where I fell into a troubled sleep, dreaming of Dunkirk and dressmakers.

16

On New Year’s Eve, I went through to the sitting room and switched on the TV. Three hours to go before midnight. I flicked through channels then looked in the Radio Times. ‘I’ll be seeing midnight in with you, Jools, my old pal,’ I said to the TV then switched it off. I felt restless. I could read. I could visit a friend. I could go to one of the several parties I’d been invited to, but I wasn’t in the mood. Marcia, Pete and family had gone up to Scotland to stay with Pete’s parents, as they did every year, and had invited me to go with them, but I’d declined the offer. It was their family time and I had things to be getting on with in London. So it was 31 December, I was fifty, single, an old maid practically; it didn’t bear thinking about. I knew the feeling would pass come 2 January. Christmas and Easter breaks were designed to make people on their own aware that they were alone, lonely even, but once the holidays were over, it would be straight into action, with people to see, places to go, so much to sort out. I just had to get through this evening.

Don’t get maudlin, said an inner voice that sounded distinctly like Marcia’s. If it bothers you, do something about it. Saranya Ji’s words also came back to me, ‘You can believe me and try and find your true love and who he is now, or dismiss what I say and drift from one meaningless love affair to another, never finding the true contentment and companionship that your soul could know. Or you can immerse yourself in your work as you have done, so busy that no one knows that you are hiding. People see success but you are alone and … I don’t think so happy with this, yes?’