Nothing lost, nothing gained. Sometimes in life, you have to take a risk, in this case my heart. It’s time to make a grand gesture, show Bea my hand and send her something that will reveal not only who I am without any shadow of a doubt, but also the kind of life we could have together.

54

Over the next few weeks, I decided to put men, soulmates and matters of the heart to one side and do what I’d learnt to do so well, and that is immerse myself in my work.

Every day, I took Saranya Ji’s advice and would start with a short meditation to try and find the stillness that she had spoken of. Afterwards, I looked on my phone to see if there were any messages from Michael, but nothing appeared from him, nor from Jon, nor Stuart. All had gone quiet, apart from a short message from Kate saying that Sam was due out of prison should I want to contact him. No signs, no more declarations or promises from any of them, and no gifts or envelopes in the post. I missed them and the intrigue and excitement. I have to let it all go, I told myself, and trust that all will be revealed in time. I let Heather take care of the shop while I spent every spare hour immersed in my mosaic for Grace and Billy, working some days into the late evening, and God, I loved it. Time flew by and I realized I was never more content than when being creative, dabbing paint, choosing bits of fabric, adding texture. I felt whole and inspired. My old survival mantra that I didn’t need anyone became a reality, not a fabrication invented to placate myself. I was happy. I didn’t need anyone.