Denise was thrilled about Andrew wanting to go out with her, her first boyfriend, and I, still coming to terms about having been passed over, didn’t let on that I was gutted. They dated for a few weeks but she wasn’t over-impressed by the romance of chips in the paper eaten on top of his shed, so she soon dumped him for an older boy who had a moped and took her to a posh café in town for coffee. Andrew came back to me to mourn his loss, but I wasn’t interested in being a go-between for him and whoever took his fancy.

We went to secondary school soon after where I met Marcia, grew my hair, learnt about style and moved on. I vaguely remember seeing Andrew about locally, a gangly youth with spots, smoking in the car park of the Golden Lion. But I’d liked people who thought outside the box ever since, men with a different view on life. He had been the first I’d encountered who’d challenged the status quo.

Saranya Ji had said that I had an unconscious belief that love meant pain, a pattern I kept repeating. Was that when it had all started? When Andrew had overlooked me for my curvier friend and I’d been delegated to the part of the less attractive mate, the sidekick to confide in and cheer the main players, but not one to be desired or be centre stage myself? I’d learnt early, for fear of looking like a loser, to put on a happy face when others got the Valentine’s cards and not to let my heartbreak at rejection be known. It didn’t matter, I told myself. I didn’t care. Love was something that happened to other people. I was cool with that. But I did care, and I wasn’t so cool with it, not deep inside. What became of Andrew? Had he maintained his rebellious attitude to life? I wondered, as the flight hit some turbulence and I opened my eyes to see that the ‘Fasten your seatbelts’ sign had come on.

6

‘And don’t let us see you here again in a hurry,’ said the prison warden as he handed me my keys, wallet and belt.

Always the same banter, every time I left. I smiled in acknowledgement of the familiar line as I walked towards the door that had been unlocked in readiness for my exit. Once outside, I breathed in the fresh, clean air and headed for the bus stop. It always felt the same when I got out of the bleak and oppressive atmosphere in a secure unit, the wonderful sense of freedom, the open sky above, heading home.