I wish I could tell you how sorry I am. Better yet, I wish I could tell you the truth. You deserve that. But I know you, Kai. I know you’ll sacrifice everything for me. I can’t allow you to do that. Of course, you’ll say you’ll never resent me for it, but you should. I’d resent myself enough for the both of us.

Being here in Orlando is nothing like I imagined. It doesn’t feel right without you here, but I’m going to do everything in my power to make you proud.

Love, Olivia

May 15, 2011

Dear Kai,

This year has been insane. Orlando is… complicated. I kind of hate it, but I can’t tell if that’s because I actually hate it or I’m just miserable. Angie thinks it’s a little bit of both.

I just realized you don’t know Angie. How crazy is it that you don’t know someone I call my best friend? Do you have new friends I haven’t met? A new love? I never thought we’d go a day without speaking, let alone two years. It feels like a giant piece of me is missing.

Anyway, I wanted to say happy graduation day. I wish I could be there with you. I wish I had the strength to sit in the audience for you. But please know that I am thinking about you: today and every other day.

Love, Olivia

January 1, 2012

Dear Kai,

I had a dream that we had a daughter.

Not when we were nineteen, though. We were older. I know because you had the slightest wrinkle lines around your eyes, but it didn’t make you look old. You looked distinguished. Like you’d spent your whole life laughing freely.

In my dream, she was about five, and she was perfect. She had my cheeks and my nose with your eyes and your lips.

She had a Barbie truck but wanted to drag race with it. Doesn’t that sound like something our kid would do?

We were happy. So happy. It felt so real.

I cried in my shower until the water went cold when I woke up.

Do you think dreams show our potential futures? Or just the ones we gave up?

Love, Olivia

October 13, 2012

Dear Kai,

It’s hard to believe that Kylie is eighteen now. I saw her birthday post on Instagram and was in awe of how gorgeous she is. I wanted to call her but…I don’t have her number. I thought about reaching out on Instagram, but well, I’ll just say it, I’m scared.