“You know what?” I said, really on a roll now. “I would bet my whole treasure chest of earnings—like seriously, no take-backs—that you’re not even a real hunchback. You were just trying to throw me off the scent! Now you’ll probably stand up straight and be like six foot two.”

Carl the Hunchback looked at me.

“Right?” I said, kinda laughing. Dude kept staring, didn’t say a word. Super awkward, which backfired and made me go all in.

“Come on,” I said. “Like, no one’s really a hunchback anymore, right? Modern medicine—it’s the twenty-first century here. See a chiropractor, am I right or am I right?”

I looked at all the heavily armed criminals around him, hoping someone would throw me a bone. But they were all doing that thing where people won’t look you in the eye and they pretend they’re studying some speck of dirt on the ground while whistling nervously.

“DESTROY HIM!” Carl the Hunchback shouted.

So all at once, thousands upon thousands of these vicious, weaponized assassins all bum-rushed me, climbing over each other like army ants to get up to where I stood on Hannn’s balcony. Thankfully none of them were superhuman like me, so they couldn’t leap vertically a full thirty-seven inches…

A Short Break

WOW, right?

Just, wow!

We’re Back, Baby!

…Then I climbed up on top of Hannn’s broken golden throne, and I spotted Just Plain Usman kinda hanging out by himself down in the arena.

“Yo, JPU! Where the hell you been?”

He shrugged. “Enjoying the show.”

I couldn’t blame him. I do put on a great show.

“That’s cool,” I shouted. “How about you call in those commandos now?”

“I can’t!” he shouted back. “You told me to send them home!”

Three gleaming throwing stars sliced through the air straight toward my head—

“Dude, I was kidding!”

—and I ducked at the last second. But shit was starting to get real, even for a hyper-athletic freak of nature like the Two-Time. Evil flunkies were closing in. Blades, bullets, and blood were everywhere, plus shouts and screams and fists and fury and violence, VIOLENCE, VIOLENCE!

I needed some backup, and fast. And it hit me—not the ten-millimeter bullet that whipped right by Slick Daddy, but an idea. I was already surrounded by the greatest champions the world had to offer. They just needed a leader. And guess what?

The Doctor is a born leader.

“Gaming champions of the universe!” I shouted from the top of the throne.

That got their attention. Kangaroo Jack, Killer Commie Ivan, Mr. Miyagi Min-Zhong, and all the other champions stopped what they were doing—which was mostly standing around shooting the shit—and they stared up at me.