So then of course—OF COURSE—the last thing I did was grab Hannn’s stupid robotic Xbox-controller hand and tear it off of his robotic right-arm stump. I held it over my head like the greatest, most badass trophy I’d ever won—except for, obviously, my Blockbuster trophies—and I turned to face the massive crowd of Brotherhood hoodlums packing the arena. I screamed at the top of my lungs:

“LISTEN UP, BROTHERHOOD! I HEREBY LIBERATE YOU FROM YOUR EVIL ROBOT OVERLORD! YOU’RE FUCKING WELCOME!”

And I threw all that funky robotic shit, with all its clouds of smoke and weird green and pink goo and blood-red flames and smoke and MORE SMOKE, down into the deep, dark pit of the arena.

Then I paused, looked around, and realized I was completely surrounded on all sides by armed-to-the-teeth evil illegal gang members. I mean, these guys had guns, they had knives, they had swords, they had chainsaws, they had flamethrowers, they had surface-to-air missiles—kinda unsafe indoors, you guys—they had everything.

And leading them all was Carl the Hunchback.

“No!” I said. “You? Carl the Hunchback?? You’re the real…”

A Short Break

Yeah, so I know this is, like, a pivotal moment and all, but have you gotten over just how impressive that thirty-seven-inch vertical leap was?

Wait—you have?

Well, whatever, man. I’m still super blown away by it. I mean, just—wow.

We’re Back, Baby!

“…leader of the Brotherhood??”

He smiled. “Didn’t see that one coming, did you?”

“Well,” I said, “I kinda did. There’s always gotta be a twist, right? So, let’s see. I’m guessing that you always knew I’d be the biggest threat to your global criminal organization, so you were like, ‘Man, scoping out the Two-Time is a mission I can trust to no one else. I better go undercover myself, so I can, like, get close and betray him when he least expects it!’ ”

“NO!” Carl the Hunchback shouted. “That was not my reasoning. I just wanted a—a change of pace!”

“Uh-huh, right,” I said. “And then I’m guessing that you hid the secret door in my room in the most obvious place possible, because you were like, ‘Let’s show Doc the truth about our evil diabolical plans to mass-produce a superhero action figure of him while calling it a doll—A DOLL!—so we can piss him off, and in his rage he will win the tournament, and then we can sell the action figure to children everywhere and make billions without giving him one thin dime.’ ”

“Um,” Carl the Hunchback said, “you lost me there.”