But the reality is that all that garbage about the importance of working out and eating right and living a healthy lifestyle—it’s all just a bunch of people trying to sell you shit you don’t need and crap that won’t work.

I was born this way, man. I’m incredibly in shape, but I’ve never worked out a day in my life.

I’m so fast, I could beat Usain Bolt in the forty-meter dash right now—RIGHT NOW—and I literally haven’t stood up from my jet-black rich-Corinthian-leather couch in thirty days.

I’m so strong, I would dominate Dolph Lundgren in a steel-cage death match, even though I gotta admit Red Scorpion is way underrated.

And I’m six foot eight because, well, I’m six foot eight. I’ve never taken growth hormones. I’ve never even drunk a full glass of whole milk. As far as I’m concerned, calcium is for pussies.

I’m not gonna lie and say you can have any of these things, because you can’t. It’s just not in you. But I can help you fake it—at least for an afternoon.

How? Easy. Go RIGHT NOW to InterdimensionalChampionsClub.gg for your very own DOMINEX, BY DOC official athleticism-in-a-box kit. (Shit, isn’t it fucking awesome not having Nigel the Editor around to fuck with my game when I’m trying to help my loyal fans—and earn a tiny bit of cheddar on the side?)

For the low, low price of $195.95, not including shipping and handling or an additional $59.95 I literally just decided to add to the price, you’ll get delivered to your home address a large cardboard box that contains everything you need to pretend to be athletically superior like the Two-Time for a full afternoon, give or take.

Your completely non-customized DOMINEX, BY DOC will include:

• One (1) Pair of Adjustable Stilts and/or a Couple of Tin Cans You Can Strap to Your Feet (Six Foot Eight Maximum Height)
• One (1) Pair of Extra-Long Pants (Burlap)
• One (1) Pair of Attachable Turbo-Loaded Compound Springs That May or May Not Be Broken Slinkies
• One (1) Official DOMINEX, BY DOC Man Girdle, or “Mirdle”
• One (1) Advanced Prototype Foam-Rubber Muscleman Bodysuit
• That’s Pretty Much It

Now, I know what you’re thinking.

You’re thinking, “Doc, that sounds like a pile of crap I could buy at any flea market for maybe a dollar seventy-five. What gives?”

And maybe you could.

Or maybe, just maybe, the fact that you’re even thinking something that stupid shows just how awful your short, unathletic, tiny-vertical-leap mentality really is. Maybe you proved, right now, just how much you really need DOMINEX, BY DOC.