Actually, hold up. While I’m definitely NOT typing this book while I sit on my black marble prototype Kohler KT-593261 with Experimental Turbo Flush™, there’s something I’ve been wanting to get off my chest. Seems like now is as good a time as any.

As every true Doc fan knows, I’m already on the record when it comes to the whole wiping-sitting-down versus wiping-standing-up debate.

I understand that this debate has torn families apart and divided our nation. I know that it’s more controversial than politics, religion, and the console wars. I get it.

But the Two-Time has never been one to shy away from controversy. I don’t flee from the shadows into the light, and I don’t hide from danger. I head right into that long, dark alleyway of fear and I keep on fighting.

So I have no problem saying to the world that I’m a wiping-sitting-down guy, and that anyone who actually thinks wiping their butt after they’re already standing up—

Sorry. It’s just such a ridiculous concept I had to laugh, and that chuckle most definitely did NOT make me squirt out another butt pee right now.

Anyway, if you wipe standing up, you’re nothing but a round-shouldered, soft-jawed, pudgy-gut loser, and that’s all there is to it.

My position on this is known, all right? I’m on the record.

But there’s something more I want to address. Something new. Something that’s come to light in a certain dimension—I won’t name names—because of a certain event called COVID-19.I

What happened is, we all got a little freaked out about the world’s running out of TP, okay?

I know that some of you—all of you—stockpiled five thousand rolls of Charmin and Cottonelle and Scott and Quilted Northern and even that weird no-brand shit that fell off a truck and cost $15 at the hardware store. And even after you got those five thousand rolls, you went onto Amazon and Walmart and Target and you tried to buy even more, except there was no more, so what did you do?

You freaked the fuck out! Then you went ahead and you bought a bidet, didn’t you?

Now every time you take your poop, instead of remaining seated and wiping your ass with TP like a red-blooded American, you let some creepy French or Japanese apparatus hose a jet of water directly into your bunghole.

I mean, have we completely lost it as a country? Have we forgotten honor, dignity, masculinity, and sacrifice? The beachheads at Normandy? The Boston Tea Party? The Declaration of Independence? Freaknik?

How can you possibly allow a foreign device to shoot water into your ass? Should we just start speaking German right now?

No, my friends, I’ll tell you how we can stay true to our school. And that’s by purchasing my brand-new, trademarked, patent-pending American bidet, SQUIRT, BY DOC.