And that’s why after all these years, I’m finally gonna give you and Nigel the Editor exactly what you want.

That’s right, Nigel the Editor, I’m gonna forget about all your annoying interruptions and your corrections and your idiotic redactions of my illegal poisonous substances. I’m EVEN gonna ignore the absolute CRIME you committed, that TRAVESTY OF JUSTICE AND HUMANITY, when you threatened me—ME!—by saying you’d take away my book if I didn’t stop hawking my merch. I’ll even forget that you wear tweed.

Because I’m such a nice, caring, forgiving dude, I’m gonna let all that slide and give you exactly what you want—the secret knowledge of what, exactly, I’m a doctor of.

So here goes.

Here, at long last, is what I, the Two-Time himself, the man, the myth, and the legend, the Back-to-Back 1993–94 Blockbuster Video Game Champion, the greatest gaming superstar of the entire universe—here, finally, FINALLY, is what, exactly, I’m a doctor of…

Oh man…

Shit…

I just felt a rumble in the ol’ tum-tum. A little jelly in the belly, if you know what I mean. A bubbling below deck. A rollin’ in my colon.

What I’m trying to say is, to use a technical anatomical term, I feel a case of explosive, raging, vengeful diarrhea coming on right now.

And it’s coming on in a way that is only a huge unfortunate coincidence and has NOTHING to do with the fact that I was just about to give Nigel the Editor exactly what he’s been so desperately, so pathetically begging me for since the beginning of our acquaintance.

It must’ve been the leftover chicken wonton tacos from App Lebeés I just ate. Or maybe it was the brewpub pretzels with beer cheese dip. Or the double helping of Neighborhood Beef Nachos™.

Or maybe it’s because all that food is over two months old. I don’t know, I’m not an expert.

But whatever it was—fuck. All right all right all right all right. Emergency-time-emergency-time! We got an emergent emergency emerging right now!!

So sorry, Nigel the Editor—I’ll be right back, just one sec, just gotta—

…

Whew! All right!

So yeah. As of right now, I am happy to officially report that all personal business is taken care of. I’m back in my top secret lab in front of my computer, and I am absolutely NOT currently sitting on the can typing this right now.

Of course not! How unprofessional that would be. How potentially destructive to the advanced Dell Inspiron laptop that’s totally NOT resting on my bare-naked Vaselined legs, just one false move from my entire un-backed-up book being lost, just like that!

No sir.

And now, just for Nigel the Editor, I’m back to that big, unanswered question, of what, exactly, I’m a—