“No, you will simply have to play—and win—a new video game. A game we ordered developed by the greatest gaming minds of all time, everyone from Midway to Nintendo to Riot to Epic. A game that combines the gore of Mortal Kombat with the gameplay of Halo. The power of Call of Duty with the totally inexplicable popularity of Fortnite. The ingenuity of Apex Legends with the iconic status of Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! And yes, Mike Tyson is in it, and yes, he bites off someone’s ear.

“It is quite simply the grandest of all the grand games the universe has ever known.”

“Uh-huh,” I say. “I’ll be the judge of that.”

“And you’ll have to compete against the latest, super-advanced, high-performance, perfectly perfected version of the only opponent you’ve ever struggled against: Lord Hannn.”

The platform that Nigel the Editor is being tortured on slides to the side and he screams in terror, except no one really cares because the shit that’s revealed is fucking awesome.

A massive 146-inch 6K experimental Sony Trinitron plasma flat-screen TV with a Bose sound system the size of a semitruck. Holy fuck, do I love a good subwoofer! And connected to that is an advanced prototype PS7 that for no good reason is plated in twenty-four-karat gold and encrusted with diamonds and fine furs. And connected to that is a brand-spanking-new Lord Hannn robot. And this robot is like the Borg hive queen meets the ED-209 meets Number Five Is Alive meets the original Terminator with all his skin fried off. We’re talking polished black steel, we’re talking motherboards and wires and flashing lights, we’re talking human brains floating in vats of pink goo hooked up to tubes and blue lightning bolts randomly shooting from one electrode to another and smoke and steampunk dials and gears and AI and graphic equalizers, and I’m pretty sure I saw a flux capacitor somewhere in there too. Also? No Xbox-controller hand.

“All right, that does look cool,” I say. “But ‘struggled’ is a total stretch.”

“So, Dr Disrespect,” Carl the Hunchback says. “Do you accept this challenge?”

I look at what’s unquestionably the most advanced experimental computer in the cosmos, the greatest opponent anyone has ever faced. I look at Nigel the Editor, sobbing for his life. I look at the cameras, the press, the celebrities, hanging on my every word, waiting for my next move.

I think about all the adversity I’ve faced in my life. All the struggles. All the obstacles I’ve overcome. I think about all the times I’ve stared down the long, dark alleyways of fear. All the times I could’ve chosen to stay in the sunlight or hide with the crowds. All the times I pressed on despite the odds and just barely snatched death from the hungry jaws of life.

And I laugh, long and loud. Because was there ever really a question?