“Doc,” Nigel the Editor says, “I know we’ve had our differences, but you’re totally embarrassing yourself right now. And this saw is almost shaving the fuzz off my peaches.”

I scratch my insanely square chin. “So… Simon & Schuster really is paying me to write a book?”

“Indeed.”

“And, Carl the Hunchback, you’re absolutely, positively sure that’s really—”

“YES, IT’S A REAL FUCKING HUNCHBACK,” he screams. “THE DOCTORS CAN’T DO A THING ABOUT IT, I’M HIGHLY SENSITIVE ABOUT MY APPEARANCE, AND CAN WE PLEASE JUST MOVE ON TO MY ULTIMATE VENGEANCE?!”

“Fine,” I say. “But only because I say so.”

Carl the Hunchback takes a deep breath. And it’s like, learn to regulate your emotions, you know? You’re supposed to be the head of a major international criminal—

“I can still hear your dictation, Doc. But more important, I’ve invited all these people here today to bear witness. It is well-known that you’re the greatest competitor the world has ever seen. Mostly because you never let us forget it. You’ve won every battle, you’ve dominated every challenge. Your athleticism is unparalleled, and your silky hair is the only thing blacker than your soul. Your mustache is registered as a lethal weapon in twenty-three countries. You crave combat. You live for danger. You lust after battle.”

“Hey, keep it PG-13 for the kids, man.”

“But,” he says, “what happens when you finally meet your match? What happens when you finally face a challenge you can’t overcome? What happens when, for the very first time in your life, you finally lo—”

“DON’T EVEN FINISH THAT SENTENCE!” I shout. “IT’LL NEVER HAPPEN! THE DOC WILL NEVER, EVER LOSE!”

Then I hear this, like, awkward coughing noise, and I look out into the crowd, and—holy shit, it’s Sensei Billy with his nasty pubey goatee!

“Um,” he says, “I’m pretty sure I got you once back in the eighties…”

“THAT WAS BEST-TWO-OUT-OF-THREE,” I yell. “AND I HAD NOT YET CLAIMED THE SACRED MANTLE OF THE DOC! GET YOUR FUCKING LORE STRAIGHT, BILL!”

“Whatever. I’m just here for the vol-au-vents.”

“I repeat,” I snarl, loud enough for the world to hear me even without the mics of every major news organization shoved into my face, “I. WILL. NEVER. LOSE.”

Carl the Hunchback laughs. I gotta give the guy credit—it’s a pretty solid evil laugh. He’s totally been working on it.

“I’m glad you made that perfectly clear, Doc,” he says. “Because in order to save your friend Nigel here, you won’t have to kill anyone. You won’t have to shoot anyone. You won’t even have to stab anyone.”

“Seriously?” I say. “This is starting to sound dull.”