“Well,” he said, “you pretty much just said it. I’m a weird mystic hermit. And I’ve been waiting here forever. Or about five or six years, give or take. All because of a dream I had. A dream that someday a boy would walk up this lonely mountain in the middle of the night. A boy of exceptional athleticism, unsurpassed skill, and otherworldly hair. A boy who would go on to be the greatest online gaming champion the world had ever known.

“And I—I was to give this boy a message. And a name.”

“A name?” I asked.

“Yes,” he said. “The name-ame-ame is Doctor-octor-octor Disrespect-ect-ect-ect.”

And when he said it, there really was this awesome badass reverb! I swear the dude didn’t move his lips funny or do anything strange with his mouth or anything. It was just this amazing reverb effect. It electrified the air and shook the very cliffs on which we stood.

I’ve been trying to replicate it ever since.

Then I asked the first question that pretty much anyone would’ve asked.

“I’m ten years old. What am I a doctor of?”

“It’s an acronym,” he said. “Obviously.”

“Oh, right!” I laughed. Then I got super serious: “Dude, did you not just hear me? I’m ten years old. I have no idea what an acronym is.”

“Simple,” he said gravely. “Each letter of ‘Doctor’ stands for a different powerful component of your uniquely awesome character.”

“Ohhhh,” I said. “So you’re ripping off ‘Shazam’?”

“Shut up,” he said. “Anyway, here’s how it breaks down. The ‘D’ stands for ‘deadly.’ Because you’re a master of destruction.

“ ‘O’ stands for ‘omnipotent.’ Because you are as close to all-powerful as a mortal man can be without being divine.

“ ‘C’ stands for ‘crazy.’ Because I think we can all agree that you’re pretty damn crazy.

“ ‘T’ stands for ‘Titan.’ Because your massive, powerful, athletic frame will allow you to dominate all who challenge you.

“That brings us to the next ‘O,’ ” he said. “For ‘omniscient.’ Because you will be wise and all-knowing.

“And finally there’s ‘R,’ which stands for ‘rage,’ ” he said. “Because you are one angry son of a bitch.”

I smiled. Because sure, he was right about the whole rage thing—he was right about everything—but I also have one hell of a good-looking smile.

“And what about ‘Disrespect’?” I asked. “What does that stand for?”

“Doesn’t stand for anything. You’re just a bit of an asshole,” he said.