The air grew colder, thinner, and although my young skin was already thick and tough and leathery, I started to wish I’d changed into something warmer than my Spider-Man PJs. I was up so high I could see the clouds all around me, reflected in the moonlight. The mists, the winds, and the clouds swirled everywhere. Eagles soared past me, screaming in fury and brotherly awe at my boldness—it felt like I was flying with them, at a whole new level of greatness.

Time ticked by, and on I climbed. The lack of oxygen became like fire in my throat. I could sense my normally catlike vision starting to blur. My calves, usually so supple and springy, were growing slack. My glutes, usually so chiseled and firm, were becoming soft and spongy. My five-foot-four frame, usually so powerful, was beginning to wilt.

Shit, this mountain-climbing thing was tougher than I’d imagined.

Then, just as I thought it would never end, just when I almost—almost—began to know fear for the first time in my young life, I was there.

At the Top of the Mountain.

My energy returned to me in a rush, my power crashing through me like oceanic waves. I raised my fists in the air, tossed back my flowing masculine mullet, and shouted into the heavens with my brothers the coyotes:

YAYAYAYA!

And then, from behind me, I heard a whisper, like a rustling of leaves on the jungle floor.

“Ah, so you’re here.”

I turned and saw a grizzled old man, his back stooped with the passage of time, his twisted gray beard hanging down to his waist. He had a big-ass mole right above his left eye. It was disgusting, and the more I tried not to look at it, the more I looked at it.

“Who are you?” I asked.

“I’ve been waiting for you for many a year, child.”

“Yeah,” I said. “All this speaking in mysterious riddles? Super annoying.”

“Ah,” he chuckled. “The prophecy said you would be a bit of an asshole but in a funny kind of way. Let’s hope at least the second part is also true.”

Now I was really getting pissed. I was more than funny—I was hilarious!

“Look, man,” I said. “I don’t care how old you are or how tired I am—you better start giving me answers or I’m gonna have to beat your weird mystic hermit ass.”

He sat down on this little boulder with a groan.