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Back The Underminer Save as PDF
Chapters (21)
  1. Cover Page
  2. Title Page
  3. Copyright
  4. Table of Contents
  5. Bright Young Things campus of Clarkwell College, graduation in the town of Clarksville, somewhere upstate, 1990
  6. Cool Days open mike night at Kafka-fe, after band "2 Much" plays, 1991
  7. New on the Scene utside in front of Club Hush, for a film screening party of Kill Fee, 1993 o
  8. Single in the City at a French bistro, 1995
  9. Hangover brunch, the morning after, 1995
  10. Natural Health a chance meeting at Jasper’s Yoga Studio, 1996
  11. The Fat Flush ’90s in the foyer of a friend’s renovated brownstone, 1997
  12. Art Stars at Bonwyck Gallery, 1998
  13. Inner Odyssey the Burning Man festival in Nevada’s Black Rock Desert, 1999
  14. Life After Death facedown in the dirt of the desert, next morning, 1999
  15. Loyal Companions catching up at the dog run, 2000 catching up at the dog run, 2000
  16. In the Real World a run-in at the ShopShape magazine launch party sponsored by Senor Strawberry Liqueur, early 2001
  17. Wartime spotted at Kinko's, late 2001
  18. Office Job in the cafeteria of the Conde Nast building, 2003
  19. Settling a yard sale on an obscure block in the outer borough, 2003
  20. Starting Over in a remote village tavern on the farmlands of New Zealand, 2004
  21. Epilogue a gathering of friends

You know I can never tell with you. You're so mysterious. You're so lucky you can always just get up the next morning and plow through the day like a tank after partying so hard! Also, wait. Were you wearing like some kind of padding or quilted type of underwear last night? Oh, I don't know. It's just at some point when you were flashing everyone it looked like you were wearing something white and absorbent.

No? Oh, weird. I guess I just thought I saw it. No! It was funny! Everyone was laughing. It was quite a night. Quite. A. Night.

So . . . do you remember what transpired or no? Well, you really made the night memorable. After you ran up to the coatroom and puked on Sam's things, everyone was saying how much they enjoyed last night. It was like "old saucy New York" where anything can happen!

Sam? Yeah, he was mad—you know his usual overly moralizing grudge stuff: "I never want to talk to that little fuck ever again," blah blah blah. You know how he is.

But I am glad you are here alone. I just wonder if maybe you may need some time and headspace and I wanted to talk to you about that. I mean Askalar helped Greta so much get over her time and—

No, I know you don't have anything to do with Greta. I am just saying maybe an incident like last night is just a little marker about how your chemicals are off, you know? And you are dulling some simple chemical imbalance. Some lost brain synapse that could just so easily be mended with some serotonin encouragers? At least that is the way Greta described it so beautifully in her National Book Award-nominated memoir, Mending My Mind: Travels with Disorder. Wow, how that took off, huh? So well timed. But anyway, you should totally try it, I mean, what's the harm, you know? It's not gonna stain you forever or something.

Oh! That reminds me. Sheila wants to know if you are going to keep that jacket of hers you used as a vomit mop last night. She said it's totally cool. It's just a Marc Jacobs coat and she just wants to know.

And whatever about this, but I think it may be a good idea to send a thank you/apology kind of note to Costas, the maitre d'? He was just so patient and helpful last night. Especially during the whole "googoo-gahgah I'm a baby in a diaper" moment.

Yeah, you did. But like I said it was funny!