"Whether your Underminer is an actual nemesis or merely the voice of a particularly ornery self-loathing, Albo and Heffernan have done humankind the favor of nailing the bastard, with wit and style in excelsis—cringier than a ninth-grade PE humiliation, more scouring, compassionate, and incisively lamenting of the human condition than a four-day acid trip hosted by Oprah, and hilariously upbraiding of pretentious trends in a way that will make you involuntarily blow your soy-chai frappuccino through your nose. I can think of no more priceless stocking-stuffer for that special insensitive someone. The Underminer beats a bucket of Paxil, six months of therapy, and an exorcism—it bestows the healing gift of revenge."—Cintra Wilson, author of Colors Insulting to Nature

Title Page

THE

UNDERMINER

OR, THE BEST FRIEND WHO

CASUALLY DESTROYS YOUR LIFE

MIKE ALBO

WITH VIRGINIA HEFFERNAN

Illustrations by Carl James Ferrero

and Mike Albo

BLOOMSBURY

Copyright

Copyright © 2005 by Mike Albo

Parts of The Underminer have appeared in the

New York Observer and on Tins American Life.

All rights reserved. No part of this book may be used or reproduced in any
manner whatsoever without written permission from the publisher except in the
case of brief quotations embodied in critical articles or reviews. For information
address Bloomsbury Publishing, 175 Fifth Avenue, New York, NY 10010.

Published by Bloomsbury Publishing, New York and London

Distributed to the trade by Holtzbrinck Publishers

All papers used by Bloomsbury Publishing are natural,
recyclable products made from wood grown in well-managed
forests. The manufacturing processes conform to the
environmental regulations of the country of origin.

The Library of Congress has cataloged the hardcover edition as follows:

Albo, Mike.

The underminer : the best friend who casually destroys your life / Mike Albo
with Virginia Heffernan ; illustrations by Carl James Ferrero and Mike Albo.—

1st U.S. ed.

p. cm.

1. Friendship—Fiction. 2. Passive-aggressive personality—Fiction. I. Heffernan,
Virginia. II. Title.

PS3551.L268U53 2005

813'.6—dc22

2004062700

First published in the United States by Bloomsbury Publishing in 2005 This paperback edition published 2006

eISBN 978-1-59691-707-1

1 3 5 7 9 10 8 6 4 2

Typeset by Hewer Text Ltd, Edinburgh

Printed in the United States of America by Quebecor World Fairfield

My Friend

My friend must be a bird

Because he flies.

Mortal, my friend must be

Because he dies!

Barbs has he, like a bee.

Ah, curious friend.

Thou puzzlest me.

—Emily Dickinson

Table of Contents

CONTENTS

Bright Young Things campus of Clarkwell College, graduation in the town of Clarksville, somewhere upstate, 1990

Cool Days open mike night at Kafka-fe, after band "2 Much" plays, 1991

New on the Scene outside in front of Club Hush, for a film screening party of Kill Fee, 1993

Single in the City at a French bistro, 1995

Hangover brunch, the morning after, 1995

Natural Health a chance meeting at Jasper's Yoga Studio, 1996

The Fat Flush '90s in the foyer of a friend's renovated brownstone, 1997

Art Stars at Bonwyck Gallery, 1998

Inner Odyssey the Burning Man festival in Nevada's Black Rock Desert, 1999

Life After Death facedown in the dirt of the desert, next morning, 1999

Loyal Companions catching up at the dog run, 2000