Mr. Hinchcliff said gruffly, “She’s a bloody madwoman. Like all women, she should be locked up.”

Mrs. Bottomly yelled out, “Dun’t start, it were tha bloody wild savage that started it. Sniffing around my girl, driving her to suicide and . . .”

Mr. Barraclough said, “Now then, for starters, I want both of you to hand over your weapons. You can have them back when the meeting’s over and we’ve come to some agreement.”

Mrs. Bottomly and Mr. Hinchcliff both yelled out, “Over my dead body!” and “Nivver!”

Mr. Barraclough said, “Well, I’d like to say that I hoped it wouldn’t come to me PHYSICALLY dealing with the two of you. I’d like to say that, but I dun’t mean it. Nothing would gie me greater pleasure than smashing your heads together. Hand me my botty-breaker, please, lads.”

Mr. Barraclough rolled up his sleeves and one of The Iron Pies handed him a big club. He stepped forward. Mrs. Bottomly said, “Dun’t be hasty, Ted.”

Mr. Barraclough said, “Now then, what’s it to be?”

Mrs. Bottomly handed over her gun. Mr. Barraclough said to Mr. Hinchcliff, “Now you. You can have it back when we’ve sorted this lot aht.”

Mr. Hinchcliff said, “You’d better.” And handed over his gun as well.

Mr. Barraclough went back to his gravestone.

“Now then, will the parties concerned step forward? Beverley, if tha will, my little luv, and what about Cain?”

Mrs. Bottomly said, “He’ll not show his face round here. He’s not got the gumption.”

Beverley burst into tears. Mrs. Bottomly said to Mr. Hinchcliff, “Look at the state of her. That’s his work, the black demon.”

Mr. Barraclough said, “Now, now, let’s not call names. Beverley, do you want your mother to stop shooting at Cain?”

Mr. Hinchcliff said, “I wouldn’t bloody mind if she were shooting at Cain, but the way she aims my whole bloody farm will be slaughtered afore she gets him.”

Mr. Barraclough said, “Awreet. Beverley, I repeat, do you want your mother to stop shooting at Cain?”

Beverley was hiccuping and sniffing. “Yes, I do. I nivver wanted her to go after him in the fust place. We were awreet before that posh lass came here to prance around like a tit. . . .”

I tried to shrink down behind Ruby. Mr. Barraclough said, “Let’s not be unkind to our neighbors the thespians. Isn’t that what the Lord says, Beverley, blessed are the thespians?”

Erm, I hadn’t actually read that in the Bible.

Mr. Barraclough said to Seth and Ruben, “Nah then, you lads, will you mek an oath that your Cain will not bother Beverley agin?”

Seth said, “Our Cain said if he nivver saw Beverley again it would be too soon.”

And Beverley burst into tears and ran off towards the bridge. Mr. Barraclough shouted after her, “Beverley, I warn thee, I’ve got me dinner waiting for me. I’m not going in that river again even if you are.”

The sisters rushed off after her. Mr. Barraclough went on. “Well, all that remains now is for the respective families to shek hands and . . . for us all to be friends, ordinary normal folk and thespians alike.”