On the way home, I was in such a good, happy mood as Vaisey and I walked along arm in arm. Two Tree Sisters together. Each with our own lululuuuve experiences!

Vaisey wanted to know more about Charlie. “So what about Charlie then? What should you do now? Should you ask him about the girlfriend thing?”

I said, “I don’t know. I mean, he’s not actually said anything. . . . He hasn’t said anything’s changed.”

Vaisey said, “But he blew you a kiss, didn’t he?”

I said, “Well, yes, but you know . . .”

Just as we got to the end of the path, we heard the village church bells ringing. And when we crossed over the bridge, we saw quite a crowd gathering in the churchyard.

What on earth was going on?

As we got nearer, we saw Ruby was dancing around with Matilda. She shouted to us, “Ay up, you two, guess what? You’ll nivver guess what. Nivver, nivver in a million, zillion years. Nivver.”

I said, “Ruby, why don’t you just tell us then.”

She said, “I will. Well, Mrs. Bottomly took her gun out this aftie and accidentally shot him.”

My heart went cold. I didn’t really think she’d do it.

“She’s not . . . oh, she’s not . . . she’s not shot . . .”

Ruby nodded. “Yes, she has. . . .”

I was numb. “Is he . . . is he very bad?”

Ruby said, “Oh yes, he’ll nivver do the tango again. She killed him.”

I said, “Oh no. But, but Cain! I never, never . . .”

Ruby said, “Ast tha gone a bit soft in the head? I mean the goat. Mr. Hinchcliff’s goat will nivver do the tango again. Well, it won’t do owt again becoz it’s deaded. Mrs. Bottomly shot it by mistake. There’s a reight big meeting abaht it.”

I almost laughed with relief.

Everyone was gathered round the gate to the churchyard. All of the Bottomlys were there, even Beverley who was being held up by her sisters.

I said to Ruby, “She doesn’t look like she’s lost much weight on her starvation diet.”

Ruby said, “Ah know. Her head looks smaller, though, dun’t it? P’raps she’s lost weight from there.”

Sometimes I don’t know what to say to Ruby.

Oh and the Hinchcliffs were there. Well, Seth and Ruben and I suppose that must be their dad. I’d never seen him before, but you couldn’t mistake the family resemblance. He was as dark and brooding as the rest of them. And he was carrying a shotgun. Oh dear.

I wonder where Cain is.

I huddled closer to Vaisey.

Mr. Barraclough was standing on one of the gravestones. He had his Viking horns on. He shouted above the noise, “Ladles and jellyspoons, order, please, order!!!”

Someone shouted out from the back, “Mine’s a pint, Ted.”

Mr. Barraclough said, “Most amusing, Isaac, you’re barred. Now then, as Champion Pie-eater of Heckmondwhite, I feel it is my duty to sort out this regrettable incident. The shooting and bad mithering has gone on long enough.”