Flossie said, “What? From someone who thinks you should keep your snogging list to yourself?”

“No, honestly, a real threatening letter saying I was like a bum in a skirt and if I knew what was good for me I would clear off.”

Jo said, “Was it from Dr. Lightowler?”

I went red. “No, it was from . . . from Beverley Bottomly. She said I gallivant around like a tit.”

Flossie said, “Well, she does have a point, Lullah.”

Just then Gudrun came out of the front door of Dother Hall, wildly tinging her handbell, and shouted, “Go straight to your classes, girls. Ms. Beaver has double-booked herself with the Blubberhouses Large Ladies Who Pole Dance for Fun Society, but she will definitely be in to welcome you at some stage today.”

Thankfully, I’d got away with the Lululuuuve List thing for now.

But then Jo said quietly to me as we went in, “Did your cousin Georgia tell you what number ‘nose-licking’ was on her snogging scale? Is Cain licking your nose on your list?”

She’s like an elephant in a dress.

How on earth could I tell them that nose-licking was quite literally the tip of the . . . er, the tip of the . . . nose on the face of the snogging Cain list?

I know I should tell the Tree Sisters everything, and I will.

Soon.

The Blubberhouses Large Ladies Who Pole Dance for Fun Society

MONTY WAS OUR TUTOR for the afternoon. He bustled in. “Hello, hello, girls!!! Happy days!!! Le Show RE-commence!!!”

He’s wearing a tartan suit and pink waistcoat. The waistcoat is hanging on round his tummy for dear life. Just by one button.

He went to sit down on his chair but then paused and took to standing and leaning against his desk. I suspect the spirit was willing to sit down, but the suit wasn’t.

He was beyond himself with enthusiasm. His chubby hands clapped together in delight.

“Girls, I am THRILLED, absolutely thrilled about the project this term. Shakespeare’s The Taming of the Shrew, the Bard’s masterpiece about the battle of the sexes. Of course this is often misunderstood as a battle between a man and a woman.

“For the more artistic and creative soul like myself it can of course be interpreted as the battle between our masculine and feminine parts. As a man, I, of course, have a delicate female part hidden. And you girls have a secret male part hidden in a secret place.”

Flossie said, “Is he saying I have a goddam man lurking about in my dance tights?”

Vaisey whispered, “Er, I think he means that we have a sort of male bit.”

I said, “I haven’t got a male bit.”

Jo said, “Monty definitely looks like he’s got more than one person in his suit.”

And we began laughing uncontrollably. It didn’t matter though because Monty was off in Italy with his mates. . . .

“I first saw The Shrew as a young man in a nightclub production in Italy. Ah, gilded youth! Biffo and Sprogsy, my great pals, were with me. It was our first trip abroad and we didn’t know it was an all-male production. The boy in the part of Kate was most convincing. The Italians are much more at ease with finding their Inner Woman.”