I’ve got Georgia’s Ace Gang “snogging scale” in here somewhere.2

I’ve stuck it in on a page right in the middle of my diary underneath a picture of the Dalai Lama. Although the Ace Gang snogging scale doesn’t really fit with mine so far, I’m going to write mine on the next page.

I’ll call mine, erm . . . “Lullah’s Lululuuuve List.”

So here goes. This is what I have written:

HAND RESTING

(A friend of my brother, Connor, put his hand on my bottom at the bus stop, and when I noticed, he said his hand was tired and he was just resting it.)

CORKER-HOLDER RELEASE

(Same boy undid my corker holder from the back and I couldn’t do it up on the bus and I had to sit there jiggling about, worrying that the tissue would fall out.)

BAT KISS

(Floppy Ben from Woolfe Academy kissed me after we went to see Night of the Vampire Bats and tried to put his tongue in my mouth. And it felt like the bit in the film when a bat was trapped in someone’s mouth, just barging around.)

NOSE-LICKING

(Cain licked a hailstone off my nose. I can’t discuss this.)

PROPER KISS POSSIBLY LASTING TWO MINUTES, WITH ADDITIONAL PRAISE FOR KNEES

(Boy—Charlie—kissed me really nicely so that I felt wobbly and he also said he liked my knees.)

CAIN HINCHCLIFF CAME UP UNEXPECTEDLY ON THE MOORLAND PATH AND HE . . . AND HE . . . OOOOH, PROPER KISS, LIP NIBBLING, AND TONGUES

(Oh Holy Mother of God, bless me for I have sinned. With the Dark Black Crow of Heckmondwhite.)

Return of the lunatic twins

IT WAS DARK WHEN the Dobbinses came back. I heard the kerfuffle and banging. Then gurgling and steps coming up the stairs.

Uh-oh.

There was heavy breathing outside my door.

Dibdobs whispered, “Do you know who’s in there, boys? Shall we knock on the door and see who answers it?”

One of the twins said, “Eth.”

There was knocking near the bottom of my door. I got up and opened it.

The lunatic twins were in their fun-fur hats in the shape of otter heads. And sucking on their dodies. They looked at me and then both grabbed me round the knees and put their heads into my legs. Dibdobs was almost crying at the beauty of it all.

“Ooooh, boys, it’s Lullah. She’s come home!!!”

Max (or Sam) looked up and said, “Ug oo.”

And put his head back in my leg.

Then Sam (or Max) looked up and said, “Ug oo.”

And put his head back down.

Then Max (or Sam) said, “Ug oo.”

This could have gone on for years.

Dibdobs took charge.

“Right, boys, split splot. Let’s get your jimmy-jams on and then have our tea with . . .”

They looked up and said, “Ug oo.”

And put their heads back into my legs.

We managed to pry them off at last, and half an hour later Dibdobs called me down to tea.