‘Tell you what… if you stop crying, we can go and get a nice long drink of juice, okay? But you need to be nice and quiet because I can’t drive while you’re sad. Do you know why?’

Her eyes widen a little and she shakes her head.

‘Because when you’re sad, I’m sad. And I’ll be too sad to drive.’

‘You’re sad?’

Catriona nods. ‘But shall I tell you what makes me happy?’

The girl’s eyes widen.

‘Singing a song always cheers me up. Do you like singing?’

The girl pouts and shakes her head.

‘You don’t like singing? But everyone likes singing!’

‘No! Want Mummy!’

Catriona desperately needs to distract her. ‘What’s your favourite song ever?’

Her chin wobbles. ‘Way in a Manger.’

‘ “Away in a Manger”? Oh yes, that’s a good one. That’s my favourite too!’ Luckily Catriona knows the words, as it’s one they’ve been practising for the pre-school Christmas concert. But she doesn’t want to remember that. She can’t think about the thing she’s trying to forget. Instead, she opens her mouth and begins to sing softly and slowly. In that way that mothers do when they’re trying to get their children to sleep.

The little girl puts her thumb in her mouth and plays with one of her own dark curls, rubbing it between the pads of her chubby fingers in a comforting motion. It’s almost the exact same shade as Catriona’s own hair – maybe just a touch lighter. Catriona wipes hot tears from the child’s flushed face and strokes her hair while she sings. Gradually, the girl’s body loses its tension. Her eyelids grow heavy and before too long she’s fast asleep. She must have tired herself out with all that crying. Catriona sings another few rounds of the carol, making each line softer than the last, unwilling to stop in case the girl wakes up again. Finally, she chances it, holding her breath in anticipation of more tears. But the interior of the car is silent and still.

Catriona feels a little less fraught now the child is asleep. She allows herself a spark of hope as she climbs out into the rain and back into the driver’s seat. A sense of calm descends. They’ll go home, she’ll put her to bed, and it will be as if none of today ever happened. She can go back to how it was before, and all will be well.

6

Now