In fact, she and Grace won’t be able to stay in their flat either. She can’t keep any ties to her current life. There are too many people who knew Grace before – neighbours, pre-school, the doctor’s surgery, friends. At least they won’t think it strange – her moving away – not after what’s happened with Darren. It’ll be understandable, really. No one will blame her. She regrets that their disappearance will break Pat’s heart but she’ll let Darren’s parents know she’s leaving London – of course she will.

All the memories in their little flat had been crowding in on top of her. She can hardly stand to be in there now. Thinking about the churchyard beyond the garden makes her shiver uncontrollably. She wonders if one of the neighbours might have seen her going out there on that nightmarish day. But they’re usually all at work, and nobody mentioned anything. She’s dreading going back to that dark shell of a flat once more. She’s desperate to escape it for good.

Catriona stares around at all the people eating and drinking and talking about her boyfriend. Pitying poor Grace, who will now be growing up without a father. She didn’t really realise what a popular person he was. There must be over 200 people here – school friends, family, old work colleagues. There would have been even more if his London friends had been invited. But then, Darren was always so friendly. So kind and chatty. Not like her. Catriona’s a bit of an introvert, really. That’s why their relationship worked so well – they balanced one another out. They were perfect together. How has it come to this?

‘Hey, love, it’s okay.’ Pat rubs Catriona’s shoulder.

‘What?’

‘Mummy’s crying,’ Grace says, leaning over and stroking her cheek.

Catriona realises that tears are dripping down her face. She hadn’t even noticed. Pat returns the packet of tissues; Catriona pulls one out and wipes her face, feeling self-conscious. She knows that crying is expected at funerals. There have been many tears throughout the day, but she still doesn’t like to show her emotions in front of so many strangers. ‘It’s okay, Gracie,’ she says to her sweet daughter. ‘Mummy’s okay.’

‘Let it all out, love,’ Pat says. ‘No good keeping those emotions bottled up.’

Catriona nods and sniffs. But she can’t allow herself the luxury of being emotional. She’s going to have to toughen up if she wants to survive. If she wants to make a good life for her little family of two. Her priority has to be Grace now. Nothing can be allowed to get in the way of them being together. Even if the thought of starting over terrifies the life out of her.

29

Now