‘It’s okay, Grace. Close your eyes. It’s sleepy time now.’ Catriona strokes her daughter’s hair until she falls asleep once more. Then she chides herself – all this time she’s still been thinking of herself as Catriona and her daughter as Grace. But she can’t afford to make those kinds of slip ups. She shakes her head and mutters, ‘I’m not Catriona. She’s not Grace.’

Catriona has already changed both their names by deed poll to give them a fresh start. She signed her new name on the rental agreement too. It means they can both live without fear of being tracked down by friends and family from their former lives. It means they’ll be almost impossible to trace. But in order for that to hold true, she has to get used to thinking of herself and her daughter by their new names. Catriona and Grace are gone. No more. She mustn’t even think the names. She decides the only way to truly get used to their new names is to keep saying them aloud. Maybe a bit of role playing will help them sink into her brain.

Catriona goes back out into the lounge, stands to face an imaginary person and pretends to shake their hand. She feels faintly ridiculous, but this is too important for her to make any mistakes. She also decides to try to soften her London accent. That way, hopefully, she won’t stand out as much in this unfamiliar Dorset town.

‘Hello,’ she says. ‘Nice to meet you. Yes, this is my daughter. Her name’s Jess. And I’m Rachel. Rachel Farnborough.’

35

Now

There are 136 tile squares in the ceiling of my room. I’ve counted them all. As I lie on my bed, I’m looking up at them, trying to work out some kind of game I could play in my head using them as a board. Like sudoku or something. Anything to stop the rush of jumbled thoughts cascading through my mind.

Everything has finally come out into the open. What I did. Who I really am. I know it’s probably hard for other people to believe, but the truth shocked me more than anyone. I honestly didn’t know who I was or what I’d done. I couldn’t believe I had somehow blocked out my past and become this whole other person. But through all the shock and trauma, that’s exactly what I’d done.