“I don’t want to talk about how it was my fault she’s in the home to begin with because I wasn’t able to keep track of her and she got hurt.”

She opened her mouth to speak and I kept talking so I didn’t have to hear her say the words that everyone said. It’s not your fault. Because lies didn’t make me feel better.

“And I definitely don’t want to tell you about how it’s only going to get worse. How someday soon she’ll forget how to eat or clean herself and she’ll have to wear a diaper and be bathed by nurses even though she’s only fifty-five.”

I couldn’t look at Ruby anymore because truthfully I was ashamed of those things, whether it was the right thing to feel or not, and I knew she’d be disgusted with me if I admitted it.

She looked like she was trying to find words, but she didn’t say anything.

“Tell me you don’t feel sorry for me now,” I said bitterly, and I didn’t want to look at her. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw her open her mouth and then close it. Then she started to cry silent tears.

“OK.” She sniffed and shook her head as if to clear her mind. “OK. I admit it. I feel sorry for you. Anyone would. But what is wrong with that? I care about you. Fuck the montage. I don’t care.”

“I care.” I hit the steering wheel with the heel of my hand. Stinging pain shot up my arm as the horn beeped and Ruby flinched, whether at the noise or me, I didn’t know. She felt sorry for me now; how would she react if she knew that I might end up like Mum? She could never know that.

“I told you I didn’t want something serious.” My anger flared up again. “I agreed to this montage thing because we were going to have fun.”

My head felt like it was bursting. I didn’t like it. With great effort, I shut all the anger behind a door and locked it.

I was good at that when I had to be.

“I still want that,” I said finally. “We only have four weeks left. Can’t we make the most of it?” I turned in my seat to face Ruby and I took her hands. “Let’s do the rest of the things on the list and forget about this. Can we keep things as they were? We can pretend this never happened.” I was ashamed of the pleading note in my voice, but I said it anyway.

Ruby looked past me, staring into space for what felt like forever.

“No,” she said eventually.

My heart fell like a stone into my stomach. I barely noticed when she pulled her hands away from mine.