Ruby paused and then she sighed. It was the second when I gained the advantage. Later I’d wonder why our fight was a game I was trying to win.

“OK, you’re right.” She took a deep breath, then took my hand. “That was crappy. But I don’t get what the big secret is.”

I snatched my hand away. “It’s not a secret! I just don’t want to talk about it with you.”

Ruby looked like I’d slapped her. A point for me.

“Because I’m just some girl you want to have a little fun with over the summer and then forget,” she said quietly.

I shrugged. “What do you want me to say? You knew that going in.” A body blow.

“You don’t mean that,” she whispered. “But it is totally fucked up that you’d pretend you do.”

“How do you know what I mean? You don’t know me,” I shouted, and she recoiled. “That was the whole fucking point.” My voice cracked and I felt furious tears falling down my cheeks. And then I couldn’t stop. I cried until I couldn’t get enough breath.

“Saoirse, take a deep breath,” Ruby said firmly. “In through your nose. One, two, three, out through your mouth. Come on.”

I did what she said. She counted breaths out to me until I was able to do it for myself. I saw her hand twitch and I knew she wanted to reach out and stroke my back or my arm, some comforting gesture, but she was afraid I’d push it away again. I wanted to tell her I wouldn’t, but the words got stuck in my throat.

“I’m sorry,” I said, wiping tears away, “I didn’t mean that. But that wasn’t what this was about. We were supposed to be having fun. I don’t want to come and cry to you about my mother having dementia. I wanted to have a good time with one person who doesn’t feel sorry for me.”

“Dementia?” Ruby said, her mouth falling open slightly.

“Oliver told you that,” I said.

“No, he didn’t. I asked him, but he told me I should talk to you. But why didn’t you tell me? It’s nothing to be ashamed of.”

I closed my eyes. Even though it wasn’t a secret I felt somehow that I’d lost by telling her. Oliver’s integrity was something I’d have to think about later. I swallowed the hard lump in my throat. She knew now and it was my fault. But really, how else could this argument have ended?

“I’m not ashamed,” I said. “But I don’t want to talk to you about how my mother lives in an old people’s home and she doesn’t know who I am.”

Ruby’s eyes were wide and sad and she bit her lip.