“You realize you don’t have to fake an English accent? You have one,” I joked. But really I was thinking that I hadn’t considered anything other than Oxford for university. Sure, I’d filled in forms for Irish colleges and universities, but only because the career guidance teacher wouldn’t let it go. Oxford to me represented the whole university experience. When I said I didn’t want to go there, I meant I didn’t want to go anywhere. Yes, it was in England, which was an added disadvantage now that I wasn’t trying to run away from Hannah. But what would be the point of any degree? I was still likely to end up in a home at fifty. Maybe earlier because I wouldn’t have a family to take care of me.

“Yeah, but it’s not posh. And don’t change the subject.”

“Law, I think.” I vaguely recalled my reasoning being that maybe I’d make a ton of money and I could spend it on one of the really good care homes for Mum.

“What made you pick law?”

“Nothing in particular,” I said, getting testy. “I don’t want to talk about it. What bloody difference does it make anyway? One course is the same as the next. You go study, you get a job, and you die.”

Ruby looked taken aback at my sudden detour into nihilism.

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” she said quietly.

I rubbed my face. I was being an asshole. It wasn’t her fault she didn’t know how much I wanted to never think about this topic. That for me it really didn’t make any difference what I learned because I’d forget it all anyway. She didn’t know that the only reason I’d worked so hard to get into Oxford was because I was under some misguided idea that it would make my mum proud. Except the day I told her I got my conditional offer she said, That’s great, and then a few minutes later she forgot. It wasn’t some kind of bond we had, some connection over a shared future. The real bond we shared was shitty genetics. What good had all her degrees done for her?

“No, I’m sorry. It’s just stressful not knowing what to do. I shouldn’t snap at you, though, it’s not your fault.”

“I get it. I probably sound like your parents. What are you going to do with your life, etc.” She made a face.

I did not deserve so much understanding.

“You don’t have to know right now,” she continued. “I bet anyone who’s sure what they’re going to do now, for the rest of their lives, is probably wrong anyway. I have no idea either.”