“Irrelevant. But for the record, I’m amazing. Five stars on Yelp. That woman doesn’t care about me, and I overheard her saying as much to a friend at the last family shindig. So, I lied, and convinced Mom I have a date and to shut down the setup. She was so excited, telling me she can’t wait to meet her, and it’s about time I settle down. A guest room is probably getting converted into a nursery as we speak.”

“I can’t believe you lied to your mom, man! That’s lame!”

“It slipped out unintentionally. If I could take it back, I would. I was pressured.” My shoulders sag, sick over the lie already.

“Have you thought about, you know, actually finding someone to date? Someone not trying to extort you, obviously. That seems like the easiest solution.”

“I don’t have any potential prospects. Almost every woman I’ve been with in the past has been a one-and-done thing. You know I don’t stick around after a night spent with someone.”

“Ah, now the playboy needs something serious.”

“I’m not a playboy!”

“You’re a playboy. You’ve never had a girlfriend. You don’t know how to have a girlfriend.”

“That’s not true! I dated Sally McCormick in eighth grade.”

“And what happened?”

“I dumped her after eleven days when she told me she really liked me and put hearts in my yearbook. I wrote H.A.K.A.S in hers and never spoke to her again.”

“See, playboy. And emotionally unavailable, too. Oh, and we can’t forget you’re someone who responds to confessed attraction by wishing the admirer a kick ass summer. Makes sense.”

“Thank you, Dr. Reynolds,” I grumble under my breath. “The unsolicited psychoanalysis of my past relationships and personality is always appreciated.”

“Relationship. Singular. Barely. There hasn’t been another one.”

“Can you just tell me what should I do?”

He sits back in his chair and grins, muscular arms crossing over his chest as his eyes twinkle mischievously. “Believe it or not, I might have the answer to your prayers. Before you make any assumptions, let me get all the words out first. Do you remember my friend Jamal?”

“I think so. The football coach?”

“Yeah. He had an event he needed a last-minute date for, and he found out from another friend about this woman who offers her services to dudes who need someone by their side.”

“I’m not following.”

“She accompanies you to the event in whatever role you want her to play; girlfriend, colleague, scorned lover. Jamal said she was great. The best part is there’s no intimacy involved, and it’s all totally fake. You give her information about yourself, decide on a backstory, and voilà! A couple in love.”