‘Christ.’ I rubbed at my forehead. ‘Why did you even book it?’ Before he tried to explain, I started again, ‘Whatever, it’s part-refundable, so it’ll all work out. I’d say we need some ground rules, though, before we start.’ I pulled a notepad out of the junk drawer in the kitchen and then searched through my handbag to find a pen. ‘Right.’ I sat down at the table and clicked the biro to life. ‘First of all, are we having sex or are things limited to sexual contact …’

*

Rowan tried to act normal in the days after, but it was hard. I couldn’t stop thinking I’d made a massive mistake. ‘He’s the one who’s made the fucking mistake, Edi,’ Betty snapped, when I shared the worry with her – but I was dangerously close to telling Rowan that I took back any permissions I’d given him during our talk. Still, it felt like going back on a spit-shake after the deal was in motion, and I remembered enough of the playground politics to know that was bad form. So, I kept a healthy distance from him – which was a strange thing to do while I was still wearing the engagement ring, which had somehow lost its shine already.

On the Saturday of our first weekend together but not, Rowan asked whether I wanted to have dinner. He called, rather than texting, which made me think he must be nervous of asking. He’d always hated waiting for a response to things he was nervous about; phone calls were much more immediate. Still, I’d lied and told him I had plans with the girls for the afternoon and it would probably spill into the evening.

‘Are you going out?’ he asked, and I couldn’t decide whether he had a right to know. Despite having drawn up a sexually explicit guidebook, the simple feelings of the matter were turning out to be more complicated.

‘No, we’re having a night in. I think I mentioned it a couple of weeks ago?’ I lied, knowing he wouldn’t remember either way, so he’d likely just agree. I hurried him off the call after that, knocked my phone into airplane mode and headed for the door. I wasn’t seeing the girls; I wasn’t seeing anyone, and I had designs on keeping it that way.