If everyone just kept their clothes on, the world would be a happier place.

I go at the pictures of Lauren like she is a burger. I have to make her look as delicious as I can.

I can’t exempt myself from the problem.

‘Mummy!’ Bonnie calls up the stairs. I ignore the first call, she doesn’t sound desperate. ‘MUMMY,’ she shouts again, and this time it’s impossible to not come running.

‘What is it?’ I say, going downstairs two at a time.

‘The mouse is in the bucket!’

Beth

After I feed Tommy his morning boobs, Michael lies on the bed burping him on his shoulder. Usually he disappears downstairs while I get ready, so I see this as an opportunity to be subtly suggestive. I go into our bathroom but leave the door slightly ajar, so he can see me in the reflection in the mirror on the back of the door. I slowly take off my nightie. Pulling it over my head, sucking my tummy in, pushing my bottom out slightly to accentuate my waist. I let my hair fall down my back, and shake my head slowly from side to side, so that my hair tickles my skin, just like hot women in shampoo ads do. I carefully check that he is watching me get into the shower. He isn’t.

I shower, and when I come out I realise he is still on the bed. I see this as progress and continue with my performance. I dry myself off. Pointing my toes, swishing my hair from side to side. I moisturise, rubbing body butter up and down my legs in slow, sensual, circular motions. I turn away to rub it on my tummy because that looks like I’m kneading bread, but I make sure he has a good view of my bottom, which is the best-looking part of me right now. I give it all I have, my hands swooping and swirling across my body, one foot on tiptoe to give me the best silhouette. I put on an unnecessary amount of cream, hoping he is enjoying watching my hands slide around onto my bum, on my shoulders, around my waist. I feel sexy as I do it. I’ve still got it, even after having a baby.