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Chapters (28)
  1. SO LUCKY
  2. Dedication
  3. Epigraph
  4. 1
  5. 2
  6. 3
  7. 4
  8. 5
  9. 6
  10. 7
  11. 8
  12. 9
  13. 10
  14. 11
  15. 12
  16. 13
  17. 14
  18. 15
  19. Acknowledgements
  20. Keep Reading …
  21. Introduction
  22. PIECE ONE
  23. Parenting – WHAT is that smell?
  24. PIECE TWO
  25. Don’t miss the ‘So Lucky’ podcast series
  26. About the Author
  27. Also by Dawn O’Porter
  28. About the Publisher

‘I did, yes,’ Liam says. I still can’t talk, so I wave my hand frantically as if telling him to shut up. ‘I kind of like it, don’t you?’ he continues, realising I can’t tell him to shut up, and taking full advantage of it.

‘It’s funny,’ Bonnie says, and I finally get the apple up.

‘OK, Bonnie. Let’s play hide and seek. You go hide, now, go on.’ She drops all of her snacks and immediately runs behind the nearest tree.

‘ONE, TWO,’ I yell, hoping Liam has moved on.

‘You still can’t talk about it, huh?’ he asks me.

‘THREE, FOUR. No, Liam. I don’t like to talk about it. Not in the park, not at home, not at my wedding.’

‘Oh here we go, really? I know. I fucked up. But Jesus, Rubes, how many times do I have to say that I’m sorry?’

‘No amount of sorry will change the look of joy on my mother’s face when you humiliated me. So no amount of sorry will make it better, OK?’

Liam exhales loudly. I’ve made him feel so guilty about this for so long, and I know he regrets it. Of course he does. But I just can’t bring myself to let it go.

‘Mummy, what number are you on?’ Bonnie yells loudly, from her secret hiding place that’s right in front of us.

‘TEN.’ I shout, running towards the tree.

‘I still love you.’ Liam shouts after me. I keep running.

11

Ruby

It’s the day of the big wedding. As I get dressed, I picture myself in the hours before mine. I allowed a system to take control. A system of tradition that I wasn’t comfortable with but accepted as part of the process. I wore white underwear, I made a cream dress out of a thick, silky fabric. It had a high neck, ruffles across the front, I added splits in the sleeves. I, of course, had my customary wax. I wore more than the usual make-up, I had my hair blow-dried by a professional. I sat in a chair, looking at myself in the mirror for much longer than I normally would. I stared at my face, reminding myself that my husband-to-be made this decision all by himself. I never applied any pressure to get married. He wanted to. Love and joy was inside of me somewhere, and for that morning I allowed it to flourish. I was a bride. A wife-to-be. I think maybe I thought life was about to change forever. Acceptance of myself on the outside and the inside, all because someone else was willing to do the same.