He smiles and lays his hand across my belly. He kisses me on the face. I’m so confused.

‘Kiss me,’ I ask him. I get a peck on the lips. ‘No, kiss me,’ I say again, pulling his face towards mine. He is trying to get away, but I am holding his head so hard he can’t. I keep kissing him, regardless of him not wanting to. Eventually he breaks away from me and stands up.

‘What is wrong with you?’ he says, a look of disgust on his face. ‘I just said sorry. I hoped we could talk and you turned it into that again. It’s like you’re a sex addict, it’s all you think about. And have you been drinking? I can smell it on you.’

There isn’t much point in saying anything. I just lie still, allowing his words to thump down onto me, like I’m a pavement in the rain. I’m a cheating ex-whore, married to a man who finds me repulsive. Craving sex from strangers and demanding sodomy in nice houses. All the while selling the concept of love and matrimony to a woman who, if rumour has it right, is being cheated on. I am the worst.

‘Yes, I’ve been drinking,’ I tell him, rolling my head to the side. He can pour his judgement all over me. I don’t care anymore.

‘It seems like such a waste, but I’ll throw this down the sink,’ says Michael, holding the bottles of breast milk, looking very cross. ‘Drink your water, eat your biscuit and get some sleep.’

He leaves. When the door closes, I throw the glass of water at it and scream.

10

Ruby

I stop by the park on my way to my wax appointment. Ross is sitting solemnly on the bench. It isn’t clean. He has his top off and is sweating. He looks sadder than usual.

‘Are you alright?’ I ask him as I sit down.

‘I forgot the wipes. I’m so stupid,’ he says, looking at the bench with disgust, like the pigeons made their mess to spite him. I check my bag, but I don’t have any either.

‘Bloody pigeons, they have no respect,’ I say, smiling at him. He manages a little one back. ‘You look like you have more on your mind than usual?’

‘Yeah, I have a big weekend coming up. Family stuff, I always get anxious. But I’ll be alright. Where’s Bonnie today?’

‘Oh, she’s at nursery this morning. I was actually hoping that I would see you. I wanted to thank you.’

‘Thank me? What on earth for?’

‘For saying all the right things.’

He laughs to himself. ‘Well that would be a first.’

‘I needed to meet someone like you. You’ve given me a perspective that I think I needed.’

‘All problems are relative. You can’t compare everything to the death of a child.’