‘I know. I missed Tommy so much today, I think it sent my milk supply into turbo speed and I had no time to pump.’

‘OK, well go and have a shower and I’ll bring the pump to the bedroom and leave it out for you, OK?’

He is being nice. Which is confusing. I need him to remain horrible now, because of what I just did. I rebelled against a husband who was mean. I need him to stay mean.

In the shower, I let the warm water wash away the milk on my body and the sperm from my back. I have an uncomfortable sensation in my bum. It’s a little sore.

I keep trying to think of the man’s name. Robert? Peter? I wish I could remember.

‘The pump is ready for you, I screwed the bottles on,’ says Michael, opening the door a little but not coming in. He feels like a stranger.

‘Thank you,’ I say, turning the shower off. I could have stayed in it for days, washing away what I did. It’s a shame you can’t shower away your feelings.

In the bedroom, Michael has plugged in the pump and left it all ready for me, along with a glass of water and a biscuit on the bedside table. I tie the towel around my waist and hold the funnels in place. Sitting on the bed, in front of a full-length mirror, I watch the bottles fill with milk. It feels so good to get it out. My boobs decrease in size. I put the full bottles on the bedside table and then lie back, putting my hands over my face as I start to sob.

‘Beth, are you OK?’ Michael says, coming in to check on me. He takes a towel off the back of the bedroom door and lays it over my chest. I’m too tired to rip it off and tell him I have the right to bare my breasts in my own house.

‘I’m just tired. It’s been a big few weeks,’ I say, wanting him to go away. I need to be alone. Why am I never alone?

‘I’m sure you are. Well, the wedding is at the weekend, and then you can take some time off, and be with Tommy. You’re doing great, OK? I’m proud of you.’

What is happening? He was supposed to be cruel to make this easier.

‘You’re proud of me?’ I say, looking at him through my fingers.

‘Yes, I’m proud of you. It takes a lot to have a baby and then get right back to work. But you’ve done it, and Tommy and I are proud of you. And I’m sorry, OK? I’m sorry for what I said, I know how painful that must have been.’