I sigh and pace up and down on the grass, trying to stamp down on my anxiety and the niggling feeling in my chest that I can’t quite make sense of. Perhaps I acted selfishly this evening, perhaps not. We are all at a crossroads, that much is clear, but things are about to change even more. With Cec’s impending baby, she and Bea will have even more in common as they talk nonstop about kids, and then if Isla’s IVF works out, I will officially be the odd one out. What if I have nothing to talk about with them any more, drifting further and further away? My friends have always formed a part of my identity; they make me me. But without them, who will I be then?

I wake up abruptly the next morning, feeling as though my eyes have been closed for all of ten seconds. Shit, why hasn’t the alarm on my phone gone off yet? Bea sneaks in and puts a cup of tea beside the blow-up bed.

‘It’s 11 a.m., babe,’ she whispers.

‘Oh fuck, really?’

In that moment I feel like I might be Bea’s teenage daughter.

‘Cec’s already gone, she didn’t want to wake you. Do you want some pancakes?’

There’s the Bea I know and love: a feeder, a mother hen. And right now, to be honest, I’m more than happy to be taken care of.

5

I sit down at my desk at work holding a mint tea in a chipped mug that says ‘World’s Best Wife’ on it. The communal mug cabinet really does have some atrocities in there. Colin wanders over, holding a mug bearing Paris Hilton’s face.

‘Morning babe. Good weekend?’ he asks, taking a sip.

‘Yeah, was all right I s’pose.’ After I got back from Bea’s I just lay horizontal on my sofa for hours watching Queer Eye, while Bea was running around a football pitch with her kids and Cec was baby-proofing her house. ‘Is it just me that finds weekends actually quite annoying and draining?’

‘What do you mean?’

‘I dunno, just the pressure of it. Having to face up to real life without the distraction of work,’ I say, sighing.

‘I know what you mean actually. The stuff you cram to the back of your mind during the week really comes out to play. I pulled a really fit guy this weekend, though, so I’m happy,’ Colin says proudly.

‘Good for you! You deserve some good news in that department.’

‘My trouser department? You bet I do!’ he says, knowing full well not to broach the topic of my love life right now.

‘I’m just happy it’s Monday, to be honest. Sometimes I think .dot is the only place where I actually feel like myself. Like I’m moving forwards.’

‘Well quite – .dot would be nothing without you.’

‘Thanks, Col. Right, well I’d better live up to my reputation and get on with a few things.’

He air-kisses me and floats off back to his reception desk.