I open my mouth to reply but then quickly close it. I have no response. Belle is playing with her jewellery on her fingers, spinning her engagement ring around. She looks at me stiffly, smiling with her mouth closed.

‘I don’t hate kids, by the way,’ I joke in Belle’s direction.

‘Oh god! Of course not! I would never think that,’ Belle says, almost choking on her wine.

‘I just feel really paranoid that people think I hate kids just because I don’t want them. I love kids. Well, I love some kids. My friends’ kids.’ Oh shut up Olive!

‘Of course,’ Bea and Belle both say in unison.

There’s a silence.

‘Whilst we’re opening up here, I suppose I have a confession to share,’ Belle says. ‘I do this weird thing where I sort of feel like I have to show off when I meet a new person, in case they’re a better mum than me. I wasn’t sure if you had kids or not.’

‘Well, even if I did, it’s definitely not possible that my lifestyle would beat yours in any way,’ I snort. ‘There’s clearly no competition here.’

‘That’s not true! I don’t know what’s wrong with me,’ Belle laughs back. ‘It’s silly but my walls go up. I’m a bit embarrassed now.’

‘Hey, don’t be hard on yourself, love,’ Bea says.

‘I guess, the truth is, I might have it all on paper, but I do have help,’ Belle says.

‘It’s good that your husband helps you,’ I say. ‘So he should.’

‘No, I mean, I have a lot of help – Bea, promise you won’t judge me?’

‘I would never!’ Bea protests.

‘I have two nannies and a night nanny,’ Belle blurts out and clasps a hand over her mouth.

‘So?’ I say.

‘Exactly,’ Bea said. She refills our glasses and we clink them together again. ‘I sometimes let Amelia watch stuff on her iPad for hours. When Arnold was born, I sometimes used to put him in another room in his basket and leave him to cry. Sometimes I buy ready meals! Sometimes I let them fully attack each other because I am so tired and I don’t have the energy to intervene,’ she says, guiltily.

‘Bea, you are allowed to do all of this and more,’ Belle says, cupping Bea’s hands.

‘Can we just do a little cheers to giving ourselves a bit of a break, please?’ I say, holding out my glass. The others join in. Clink clink. We’re acting normally in front of Belle, but there is an edge of tension between Bea and me lingering in the air, which neither of us can ignore.

23

I open one eye, which takes ages to adjust to my surroundings. My neck is sore from sleeping awkwardly and I’m being abruptly woken up by my alarm which is going off loudly next to me, but I can’t remember why. I roll over and grab my phone. Oh crap. Appointment with Cyril, 8.00 a.m. Shit. I totally forgot. Why did I book an appointment so bloody early? I quickly shower, get dressed and jump on the number 8 bus. I forget my badge and have to stand like the other non-pregnant muggles, dammit.