‘Sorry – woops, wrong CD!’ she says. ‘Now lie back …’ She pushes me down with her palm as the track changes to something more soothing, classic spa music. It sounds like bells ringing very gently. Then some water lapping against a coast.

‘That other song was Sade, wasn’t it? I used to pronounce Sade’s name wrong. For ages I didn’t realize it was actually “Shar-day”. I used to just say “Sade” like “shade”.’

Seal ignores me and turns the lights down lower.

I blather on: ‘Also I used to think Richard E. Grant was called “Richardy”, for like my whole life.’

‘OK – you have too many thoughts.’

‘Hmm,’ I agree, closing my eyes.

‘I also used to think that people were actually stacked on top of each other during University Challenge – it’s actually just edited that way.’

‘Sshh,’ she says quietly.

She tells me she is going to concentrate on my crown chakra first. Sure … no idea what that is, Seal, but you just work your magic.

‘This is where I channel energy through your body to mine and try to help you to get rid of any of the fast-moving and intense thoughts swimming around your head. It might feel tingly.’

I try my hardest to stay awake and soak up the vibrations of the relaxing music.

‘You have a lot of ideas; you are a very confused person.’

‘Hmm.’ I nod.

‘Very tangled. A web. You need to let it all go. Breathe in with me.’

In. 1-2-3-4-5.

And out. 1-2-3-4-5.

‘There is such a thing as too many thoughts.’ She pauses. ‘To be happier, you must try and have less, OK?’

I realize I’m frowning and so I readjust my face. I just nod politely.

She then moves down to my ribcage, aka my ‘heart chakra’. After five minutes of nothing, I feel a tingle. She is telling me that my heart is very, very full. You have a big heart, she says. She says it over and over again. You have a big heart. It is so big, my heart’s energy is taking up my entire upper body. My ribcage is vibrating. Then, she moves down to my womb chakra. After ten minutes or so, I start wildly hallucinating. She has her hands on my belly. I feel an energy move around inside around my womb area. I am lightly dreaming now, trying to imagine myself with a bump. But I can’t do it. Every time I imagine it, after a few seconds it disappears. I imagine myself, five years into the future, getting on the Tube, meeting the girls for dinner in a long flowery dress and with a full, rounded pregnancy bump … The picture in my mind evaporates. I wake up to the sound of myself crying.

‘It’s OK to cry,’ Seal says, gently.

I open my eyes and look around the room, trying to find her.

‘It can be quite overwhelming,’ she says, her face appearing over mine.