BooksBarbecue
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Chapters (57)
  1. Cover
  2. Title
  3. Dedication
  4. Dedication2
  5. 1994
  6. 1
  7. 2
  8. 3
  9. 4
  10. 5
  11. 6
  12. 7
  13. 8
  14. 9
  15. 10
  16. 11
  17. 12
  18. 13
  19. 14
  20. 15
  21. 16
  22. 17
  23. 2006
  24. 18
  25. 19
  26. 20
  27. 21
  28. 22
  29. 23
  30. 24
  31. 25
  32. 26
  33. 27
  34. 28
  35. 29
  36. 30
  37. 31
  38. 32
  39. 33
  40. 34
  41. 35
  42. 36
  43. 37
  44. 2018
  45. 38
  46. 39
  47. 40
  48. 41
  49. 42
  50. 43
  51. 44
  52. 45
  53. 46
  54. 47
  55. 48
  56. 49
  57. Acknowledgements

It was a game. Margaret had known from the start it was a game. The nature of the game was confusing. Was it chicken, or was it a fishing game? Did Heidi know everything? Or did she know nothing? If she knew everything, she was trying to fool Margaret into showing her what she was up against. If she knew nothing, it was like when you say, ‘What about that accident?’ and the other person says, ‘Oh, yeah,’ as a way to find out if there’s been an accident. Margaret used it sometimes when she was working. ‘What about that problem on the second page?’ And they would say, ‘Yeah,’ and she could tell from that ‘Yeah’ where they were at. She looked at Heidi, and Heidi looked at her. Margaret wasn’t being straight with Heidi, and it made her assume Heidi wasn’t being straight with her. They were closer to each other than anyone else in the world. If they weren’t being straight with each other, then they weren’t being straight with anyone else.

‘Do you want to come round for dinner?’ Heidi asked now. It was a simple question, but so much hinged on it.

‘Yes,’ Margaret said, like she was answering a million-dollar question on a game show. ‘I have some work to finish, but I’d love to. What can I bring?’

‘Dessert,’ said Heidi, without missing a beat.

‘Cool. I’ll make a cake.’

‘Nice.’ Heidi took one final gulp of tea and made to stand up and leave. She took one last look at the Tamagotchi phone on the coffee table. Margaret was pretty sure she did it in a way that she could be sure Margaret saw her.

‘Why don’t we just take that phone and drive a fucking truck over it?’ Heidi said.

Margaret shrugged.

‘The phone is not making your life any better,’ Heidi said.

Margaret looked down at her shirt and wiped something invisible off it, then she looked up and said, ‘Oh, nah. I’m good.’

They looked at each other for a moment. Inside, Margaret was screaming. All she wanted to do was tell Heidi the truth. She was so close. She was inches away. One noise, a nod, and the secret would be gone. But she couldn’t.

‘Seven?’ Heidi asked.

‘Seven.’

They hugged each other and Heidi poked her finger gently into Margaret’s forehead. ‘Don’t let them live rent-free in your head.’

Margaret smiled and nodded. ‘Yeah,’ she said.

Heidi turned round and picked up her stuff. ‘Be fucking grateful. We’ve dodged death for another day.’

‘So far,’ Margaret said and they both laughed. Properly laughed, like they were vulnerable and open, and they let themselves laugh as if it was safe and they could trust each other with their lives, which they did. Just not with the truth.

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